Match Statistics

Date Team 1 Goals 1 Team 2 Goals 2 Match reports
Wed, 27/09/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Chris Conder
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Michael Sakkas
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
6 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Tristan Gervais
3 The old adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is scorned by blues as they continue to come up with inventive ways to assist whites in scoring, be it an own goal, deft pass or the usual last man loses the ball. Whites field their Carabao cup team resting some of their more injury prone players and bringing in their reserve team youngsters messrs Stevenson W & Condor C. These two run the midfield for most of the game ably assisted by the rest of whites (and blues). Blues can console themselves though as while whites did score a beautiful end to end goal all three of blues goals were wonder strikes including Seve's special in the second half in the goal furthest away from the door. True he had scored a wonder goal in the same goal in the first half and thereby effectively cancelled himself out! In the pub after it was noted by all how blues striker had tirelessly run end to end and had towered above his team mates who quite frankly lacked his cognitive and eagle eyed game awareness! There was also a new rule proposal to be debated that once the keeper has passed the ball out you cannot pass back to him. Roll on next week... RC
Wed, 20/09/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Deven Ghelani
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Robin Haller
Simon Gillespie
7 Sampdoria
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
2 Blues had a quick chat before tonight's game and decided they were the stronger team and whites needed some assistance so a couple of own goals and a few pinpoint passes to whites allowed whites to open up a 4-1 lead that was too much for blues to overcome so blues continued to help whites to a 7-2 win. Coltart R demonstrated to everyone how a striker should nip the ball off the last defender's foot and smoothly slot home from 5 yards. It should be noted that Devlin assisted Coltart R in this demonstration by playing the role of striker! Jokes aside tough to remember much of the game as it seemed to be constant one way traffic by whites and blues! Good goal by Arbib J though and a sweeping end to end goal by whites that might have involved every player including blues! Post match analysis at pub by the blues discussed how to fix their shambolic performance. Next week watch out whites... RC
Wed, 13/09/2017 Genoa
Amr Abulaban
Andy Krick
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Richard Clode
Simon Gillespie
4 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
2 New season, new kits and new teams sounds like the same old start of a Worthless season but the powers that be had issued one new exciting edict which sounded quite simple: "turn up on time". Sadly Coltart R missed this memo (along with everything else on the pitch) and topped his evening with a botched quesadilla order at the pub after. Goal, tackle and pass eluded the sprightly 39yrs old, however, thinking he had a valid excuse, was then outdone and outshone by Davies P who turned up later and with a better excuse! We all wish Davies P Jnr a speedy recovery as unconfirmed reports abound that he was spotted in the car broken arm aloft in the car park after the game due to a mysterious diversion by Davies P en route to A&E! Anyhow, if the game itself is a template for the season ahead, we are in for a humdinger of a season. Two evenly matched teams battled it out for 60 mins (45mins for Coltart R) and in the end two sloppy mistakes by blues gave whites a 4-2 victory. The similarities too between the strikers was unmissable. White's striker - Clode R - goal hung, had pace, two good feet and an eye for goal as we think he scored all whites goals! Blues striker had one out of four of those attributes listed above but promised to work on the other three (same old season ahead then - Ed). For those eagle-eyed Worthless match report readers you will notice that Gillespie S always gets mentioned in dispatches at the start of a season which shows he takes pre-season seriously! He was MOTM as, until he departed for the 9.05pm train back to Penzance, the score was 4-0 and he was everywhere. Blues now eagerly await Baker's arrival to disrupt and wreak havoc for Whites (isn't he playing for whites?!? Ed.) Anyhow with the new prospect of playing for an extra 10mins each week and starting at 8pm the question must be asked will this improve all of our stamina as we play for an hour or simply mean we now arrive at the pub at 8.50pm instead to avoid the 9pm rush? Only time will tell.....but I am excited to find out, so bring it on. RC
Wed, 22/02/2017 France
Alexander Hodgson
Alex Stevenson
Ethan Kline
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Steve Brooke
4 Portugal
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
Paddy Inglis
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
6 The complex team management system nearly caught out Olly who could not understand how he found himself down to play. Luckily N. Warner explained how the system worked in a calm and measured tone. Team talks similar for both sides: keep it tight, press early, and let Hugo score at least a hat-trick as it is his birthday. On the pitch reds ran the early parts of the game as Alex S turned up late due to continuing tube issues. After his arrival reds really took over and much of the first and second half was played with 13 players in the blues' half. Steve B, Alex H and Hugo C all looking to play on the break but never seeming to. Hugo F brings his shooting boots and is only denied his hat-trick by a brave, eyes closed, save by Warner. Gillespie scores with a clever flick with the outside of his left calf. Hugo C holds himself scoreless despite service into his feet early and often throughout the match. Decent turn out in the pub.
Wed, 15/02/2017 France
Alex Stevenson
Hugo Cuddigan
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Zac Arbib
1 Portugal
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Michael Davies
Richard Clode
Simon Gillespie
4 Debutante Zac Arbib - first of the second generation of worthless originals - scores the only blue goal in an otherwise dismal blue performance. Clode, another relative newcomer, shows some touches of class for Portugal but is surely not the Ronaldo France made him look to be. The return of Zorro witnessed his usual game on the wing before before slotting in the red goal on Gillespie's departure for Marlborough country.
Wed, 08/02/2017 France
Alexander Hodgson
Alex Stevenson
Chris Conder
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Samer Iliya
Saverio Campione
3 Portugal
Amr Abulaban
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Harry Draper
Hugo Fuller
Nick Haigh
Paddy Inglis
Steve Brooke
6 "Terrible first half, good second half. 4-0 at HT. then 4-3. Finished 5-3 although they claimed a 6th that was inside the area. I scored one and hit the bar with what would have been a beauty so was quite happy with my evening!: "4 nil down at half time pulled it back to 4-3 , should have equalised but ended up losing 6- 3." "We got waxed. 4-zip at half time. Ended 5 or 6 - 3." V good, reds bossed midfield and stormed to 4-0 lead, then 4-3, 6-3 to reds I think. Times CM lost ball = 3. Missed our captain though."
Wed, 23/09/2015 USA
Gordon Baker
Hugo Cuddigan
Nicolas de Santis
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
- Japan
Alexis Pu
Ben Donald
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Yasheen Rajan
3 Hugo thought he got away with a late consolation, but he didn't because he was inside the box and you are not allowed to shoot thence.
Wed, 11/03/2015 Argentina
Alexis de Rosnay
Hugo Fuller
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
8 Germany
Hugo Cuddigan
Pete Davies
Will Sheldon
6 Late additions in the guise of Nicolas de Santis and Rupert Hoffen mean that we hobble together an energetic 5 a side game. "All these new subs we have, they all seem to be in private equity". "Well they certainly appear to be used to other people doing the work for them! " Ethan, if you're reading this, we miss you. Baker, the opposite goes for you.
Wed, 25/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
4 Germany
Andy Krick
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
Yasheen Rajan
7 Jiacopo's theory that "yash is essential" amazingly holds true for a second successive week...This time yash's absence making all the difference to an otherwise well organised 6v6 match. Baker yet to understand the importance of a simple 10 yard pass; Alex Stevenson wearing kit that enabled him to seamlessly change sides at half time without anyone really noticing the difference.
Wed, 18/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Ed Lascelles
Gordon Baker
Jacopo Forloni
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Steve Brooke
Yasheen Rajan
6 Germany
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Nick van den Arend
Robin Garton
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
William Stevenson
10 Match summary courtesy this week of relative newbie jacopo: after Argentina cruises into a one nil lead, with 'legs' Inglis at the back claiming he had literally nothing to do, Hugo axes yash who turns his ankle and is forced off with injury. Suddenly the tide changes, with Germany scoring 4 without response, "which proves my point that yash is essential". Argentines become a bit more respectable after the break, but not enough to claw back the deficit despite enlisting the services of all knowledgeable baker in goal. Baker in the pub quizzed on why he insists on coaching players from both teams: " I just think I read the game so much better than everyone else ".
Wed, 11/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Andy Moretti
David Esfandi
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Nick Warner
Steve Brooke
William Stevenson
2 Germany
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Jacopo Forloni
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
3 Not much to report except that it was noted in the pub afterwards how peaceful, polite and gentlemanly games without Gordon were...
Wed, 14/01/2015 Argentina
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Jacopo Forloni
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Robin Garton
Simon Derrick
3 Germany
Alex Stevenson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
4 Rubbish game because everybody ran off the pitch at the final whistle without looking out for my ball. Next week: ghosting football as there are none left.
Wed, 07/01/2015 Argentina
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Jacopo Forloni
James Arbib
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Steve Davies
Yasheen Rajan
6 Germany
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Robin Garton
Rupert Coltart
Simon Derrick
Simon Gillespie
4 A surprising competitive fixture with which to start the year. On paper, it looked like it would be an easy win for Argentina, Hugo having selected the teams on the explicit basis that "I'm much better than everyone else thinks I am." Argies take a 2-0 lead on the stroke of half time, but Germany quickly pull one back early in the second half with a goal of rare striker's quality by Hugo C, almost justifying his ridiculous assertion above. 2-1 led to 3-1, 3-2, 4-2, 4-3, 5-3, 5-4 and then 6-4 final score - Germany could never quite close the gap despite 10 mins of extra time at the end. Rupert struck a sweet volley from 20 yards; Degs snuck in at the back post to score for the first time since 2006; Warner appeared to go on a mazy run when he actually fell over a couple of challenges in the right direction before slotting home. Steve Davies heading home the final goal. And relative newcomer Jacopo admits to having 'gone to the gym' over the holiday period to get his fitness up to scratch. Skinny pub turnout: warner, cuddigan and inglis.
Wed, 17/12/2014 Argentina
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Max de Rosnay
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
5 Germany
Andy Krick
Andy Moretti
Ethan Kline
Hugo Cuddigan
Jacopo Forloni
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
4 Argentina win the match. Warner missing for Argentina. Argentina pass the ball crisply.Warner missing for Argentina. Argentina defend well.Warner missing for Argentina. Argentina disciplined and well organised. Warner missing for Argentina. Also, Paddy was excellent in goal, Olly scored a great goal, and the Germans gave away the ball too often. Happy holidays.
Wed, 10/12/2014 Argentina
Barney Reynolds
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Jacopo Forloni
Nick Warner
Steve Brooke
Yasheen Rajan
3 Germany
Andy Krick
Ethan Kline
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Simon Gillespie
7 In a repeat of the 2014 World Cup final, Germany trounced Argentina. It was clear from the first minute that there would only be one winner in this match. Consequently Germany took their foot off the pedal from the second minute in a show of sportsmanship which will never be seen from Argentina. Some very good goals on the night mostly from Germany who found their way through the Argentina defence aided by Warner and Baker shouting constant and contradictory commands to their team mates. Notable goals: Krick and who ever was on the end of the 27 pass move for Germany which ended with a tap in. Good turn out at the pub for the Christmas party.
Wed, 12/11/2014 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Andy Moretti
Hugo Fuller
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Steve Davies
6 Germany
Andy Krick
Ethan Kline
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
4 Rupert makes a long-awaited return. Krick hurts his ankle. Paddy strong in the field. Good turn out at the pub.
Wed, 29/10/2014 Argentina
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Max de Rosnay
Oliver Gorton
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
Yasheen Rajan
4 Germany
Alex Stevenson
Andy Krick
Ethan Kline
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Robin Garton
Saverio Campione
8 Whites generally romp through Blues - highlights few and far between. Steve nutmegs his bother and then scores with a screaming toke poke. Kline beats Romeo at the near post with a delicate header. A debut for Steve B who's first touch often took the ball away from the oppo - and from Steve himself. Krick's new strategy effective - don't run in the first half and save all energy for the second. The real talking points were the late, very late and very, very late withdrawals. Robin Garton pulls out at 9am, Olly (Raheem Sterling) Gorton pleads fatigue at 19:15 and Max didn't bother to turn up or to let anyone know.
Wed, 22/10/2014 Argentina
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Nick Warner
Will Sheldon
Yasheen Rajan
4 Germany
Alex Stevenson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Max de Rosnay
Nick van den Arend
Steve Davies
4 We know that Hugo and Nick no longer run around, preferring to use "man management" (yelling at people) skills to influence the game. But can't they even be bothered to write a match report? Second hand reports that the ringers ruin the game by not passing.
Wed, 15/10/2014 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Andy Moretti
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Max de Rosnay
Nick van den Arend
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
4 Germany
Andy Krick
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Saverio Campione
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
6 Two for Cuddigan to tip a delicately balanced match (after Gillespie left early) in favour of Germany. Reynolds caught in possession as the last man after one too many step-overs. His team mates then share carefully worded opinions as to his approach. Warner tired of losing so sits alone at the pub. Whites win there too.
Wed, 08/10/2014 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
4 Germany
Andy Krick
Ethan Kline
Mark Davies
Max de Rosnay
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
Yasheen Rajan
9 Score not important on a night when everyone remembers to turn up. Next we'll work on turning up on time. Highlights of the night: Whites win! Nick Warner almost scores the goal of the year only to see it turn into an assist at the other end. He also got nutmegged on the slowest. pass. of. the. year. Much discussion in the pub about why Hugo chose shirts of the same colour for both sides.
Wed, 01/10/2014 Argentina
Alexis de Rosnay
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Max de Rosnay
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Tomaso Cremonesi
Zio Bejtullahi
11 Germany
Andy Krick
Ethan Kline
Mark Davies
Robin Garton
Simon Derrick
Steve Davies
Will Sheldon
Yasheen Rajan
5 Three no shows this week to bugger up the game for everyone else, two without any explanation... As far as I recall when designing this idiot-proof system, an email reminder goes out at 8pm on Monday night to tell you whether you've made yourself available for selection in case you've forgotten). Then a second team sheet is produced sometime on Tuesday confirming selection. It's not hard. Anyway, having decided not to allow a ringer who is a known watch thief make up numbers early in the match, Germany managed to generally stay in touch with superior-manpowered Argies through most of the game until the last 20 minutes, at which point things started falling apart, the score going from 4-4 to 11-4 as heads began to fall and legs began to tire. After scoring three goals via deflections off the motorway, we have positive confirmation that these types of goals are allowed. As gordon put it during the intense negotiation: "They've been allowed before, so...". Nothing further notable about tonight other than Tomaso is pregnant again.
Wed, 24/09/2014 Argentina
Alexis de Rosnay
Andy Moretti
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Max de Rosnay
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
William Stevenson
7 Germany
Alex Stevenson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Yasheen Rajan
4 Amazing game of two 'arves (I feel like it's the same match report each week...). Germany score 4 goals in succession (I understand Yash scored a couple but was way to far back sweeping to witness any of this miracle); then Argentina respond with 7 to run out ultimately victorious. "The miracle of the match was how Germany managed to get into a 4-0 lead..." - heard after the match and loosely translated back from the original german. Man of the Match - De Rosnay Jr, for a solid all round performance; duffer of the match De Rosnay Snr, for not turning up and then somehow managing to blame his PA... In the pub: Krick, Gorton, Cuddigan, Romeo, Moretti, Warner. Krick announces his engagement and Gorton celebrates by buying a vintage prosecco that he had apparently been 'eyeing' on the wine list while others were ordering their food.
Wed, 17/09/2014 Argentina
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Max de Rosnay
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Robin Garton
5 Germany
Alexis de Rosnay
Alex Stevenson
Mark Davies
Robin Haller
Rupert Coltart
William Stevenson
Yasheen Rajan
5 A game of two halves. One half with goals, one half without. Germany (though shirts are yet to arrive because we delegated this simple task to Hugo C this year...) came into the second half with a 1-0 lead courtesy of season debutant Max de Rosney. Then, in the second half, the footballing equivalent of 'all hell' breaks loose: Germany decides that defending "is for girls" and Romeo takes the opportunity to knock in a hat-trick (while missing the equivalent chances for three or four further hat-tricks); Warner adds a fourth to give Argentina a 4-1 lead with 15 minutes to go... As expected the foot is taken firmly off the pedal and, with some helpful shepherding of German players 'straight down the middle', Germany - with hitherto very latent talent - take it upon themselves to make a game of it, knocking in 4 quick goals to take the lead with minutes to spare. Gordon Baker, whose tactical decision to kick the ball out to the only place from which it could not be retrieved, thereby wasting valuable minutes with the score still at 4-1, appeared to have seriously backfired, then contrives to do a one two with an opponent on the edge of the box, slotting one 'home' to bring the scores level at 5 a piece. With still a minute to go, Wills takes it upon himself to leave the field of play and call "time", thereby precluding Argentina its much deserved injury time victory. Wills, "Sportsmanship" is not a vessel used for ferrying an athlete by sea from one continent to another...
Wed, 10/09/2014 Argentina
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Oliver Gorton
Yasheen Rajan
Zio Bejtullahi
7 Germany
Alex Stevenson
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Nick van den Arend
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
William Stevenson
5 Reasonable game. Argentina won 7-5 or thereabouts. Preposterous behaviour from Baker, Gorton & Romeo. When I arrived, Gordon was talking to some guy I didn't know. Apparently both Romeo and Gorton knew who he was, and saw him there. I assumed he was the noob (Zio?). In any event, Argentina were a man short for the match. Afterwards GHB said it was Zio and he didn't know whether he was playing or not. No-one thought to (a) read their automatic email with the team lists or (b) check that or the website, so Zio just wandered off. He's obviously pretty much as stupid as them, mind.
Wed, 14/05/2014 AC Milan
Andy Krick
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
10 Inter Milan
Alex Stevenson
Gordon Baker
Robin Haller
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
Yasheen Rajan
Zio Bejtullahi
4 One of those games... Krick for reds turned up 25 minutes late (as usual) but reds were already 2 0 up by time of his arrival. Reds played with more energy throughout, usually first to the ball etc nice instinctive one-two's and every time they shot it seemed to go in. Blues found themselves helpless and somewhat hopeless. As I say, one of those games.