Match Statistics

Date Team 1 Goals 1 Team 2 Goals 2 Match reports
Wed, 11/09/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
4 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
3 Welcome back to the Worthless match reports. I know they are an integral part to the entire Worthless family's week! I trust everyone had a good summer. This season's teams have a colonial theme of Belgium v Zaire. It was fitting therefore that the first match of the season reflected colonial struggles as Zaire thought they had broken free of the imperial shackles and won the game only to be ruthlessly pegged back by their Belgian overlords and suppressed into a 4-3 defeat. Zaire took the lead with a nifty side foot strike from a rebound off the wall by their reserve player Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim basically he had a three letter name). Belgium equalised through some poor defending. Half time 1-1. Second half a glorious right foot top left curl by Coltart R after some nifty inter-play with Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim, Alf etc) with the final pass being a nut meg through Baker G's legs. Belgium's second was true imperialism as Warner N struck the ball into the roof of the Westway which then rebounded into Zaire's goal. Belgium then went ahead 3-2 only for Zaire to claw one back through some ricochet football off pretty much every player. Despite having more chances and more of the ball Zaire switched off and Belgium snuck it. Oh well at least the atmosphere in the pub was a fun catch-up with everyone and Gorton O ordered the chicken ciabatta which he last had in 2016. Ironically the dish did look like it had come from 2016 too! Next week is a new chapter see you all then!
Wed, 12/06/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
6 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
3 The season came to an inglorious end for Uruguay. They did themselves no favours by seeming to play more stuck in the mud or dodgeball rather than football. Paraguay were very attack minded from the start and with Warner N and Messers Davies (P&S) along with a roaming Cuddigan H they kept the ball for long spells in the first half in Uruguay’s half. This enabled them to take a 4-0 lead into half time. No sparkling goals that I can recall. Uruguay’s half-time chat lead by Baker G attempted to rally the demoralised troops and soon they had scored 2 goals (both Coltart R with some generous assistance from Gillespie S) and a sniff of getting back into the game appeared. However reports passim show that Uruguay let soft goals in and suddenly forget how to pass and this game was no different allowing Paraguay to score two goals before Hodgson A pulled one back which was too little too late. Reviewing the season though shows a lot of close games which is thanks in part to the team picking skills of the powers in charge and very few one sided results. These reports while perhaps biased and one sided helpful remind me of the fun had during the games. Season 23 will soon be upon us so get your warm weather high altitude training into gear and have a great summer. New teams and strips to be announced within the next 3 months!
Wed, 05/06/2019 Paraguay
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
5 The penultimate match of the season was an 8 v 8 affair. Hodgson A was a little at sea as he found himself playing for Paraguay tonight. His first touch was a deft control and then an equally nice second touch saw his pass thread the Uruguayan defence however none of his team mates had seen the visionary pass so it trickled through to Uruguay's keeper. A Paraguayan player was heard muttering "that's not how we do it on this side". What "it" was can only be speculated....perhaps win?!? Uruguay seemed to always be ahead (somehow) and when Aseme R pulled up hamstrung and forced to leave the pitch it was 4-2 to Uruguay. The last fifteen minutes saw an onslaught from Paraguay as they tried to take advantage of the extra man. They snuck one back to 4-3 and nearly drew level but somehow Uruguay in the last minute counter-attacked and scored. Campione S nearly scored a blinder of a goal. As the ball was passed to him he let it roll through his legs fooling everyone. He turned, caressed the ball with his left foot and then........realised he was in goal that the ball was about to slow mo into his goal and collapsed on the ball just in front of the goaline. Huge relief from Uruguay and probably from Paraguay too that the blunder goal had been averted. He would not have lived that down! Next weeks final match means two things. Who will be Champions of Pitch 7 at the Westway Sports Centre & free grub at the pub after. I know which reason I am playing for......
Wed, 22/05/2019 Paraguay
Ben Donald
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
3 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Tristan Gervais
- Oh well it was bound to happen to Uruguay sooner or later. It was my first time. Not as enjoyable as my other first time! Tonight Uruguay were unable to penetrate Paraguay and therefore succumbed to the indignity of a niller. Opening 20mins was pretty even with both sides having shots on goal. It took a lovely piece of skill and a short solo run by Aseme R to open the scoring with a solid shot. Uruguay tried to respond but whoever was in goal for Paraguay kept it out knowingly or not! While I can’t remember who hit it, Paraguay’s second goal was a moment where the world slowed down. It was a great sliced mis-kick by someone on the right side of the pitch that just began spinning so slowly and trickled past pretty much all the Uruguay’s players who were collectively going Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (that’s enough o’s-Ed) and somehow nestled (slowly) in the bottom left corner of the post. Uruguay sensed that perhaps this was not their night and so switched from instead of winning to just scoring to avoid the niller and they thought they had until Cuddigan H clarified that Worthless rule 7.4 subsection 3 paragraph 6 line 5 clearly states “no player is allowed to shoot at goal inside the opponent’s goal area. A shot within this area become null and void even if it hits the opponent’s goalie and goes in. That does not become an own goal. The only exceptions are headers and possibly volleys but that will be determined by whichever team shouts louder or if Baker G is playing in which case he decides.” Long sentence! Paraguay’s third goal was a simple neat pass around the pitch by which time Uruguay were a little tired to care! I’ve finally made it in life as well as at the pub they gave me a free bowl of french fries thereby turning the pain of a niller into euphoria and an expanding waistline! Half term next week means half the players so 3 v 3 is expected!
Wed, 08/05/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
3 Uruguay
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
3 If someone asked me to sum up tonight’s game in three words I would say dull, boring and static. I would then say I was lying and in fact the game was the total opposite and an end to end classic. Europe this week has witnessed multiple “greatest games ever” but Anfield, Amsterdam, Valencia & west London had nothing on this game. Uruguay perhaps were the stronger on paper and the opening fifteen minutes they were all over Paraguay however they were too concerned with scoring the perfect goal to actually score! It was Paraguay on the break who took the lead and continued to lead every time Uruguay levelled. Cuddigan M making a start after many years of abscence played in goal for the whole match for Paraguay and made several top class saves that we are not used to seeing on the hallowed pitch 7 otherwise Uruguay would have run away with it after they stopped trying to walk the ball in. 7 v 7 meant more space and more end to end action. Why does neither team play a midfielder or two! Anyhow am tired and penalties are about to start at Stamford Bridge so good night all.
Wed, 24/04/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Deven Ghelani
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
3 Tonight’s game was a vocal, occasionally tetchy and heated affair which makes me wonder are we all getting enough sex? Personally I always assumed Cuddigan H had my quota as he’s always so relaxed, content and sprightly on the pitch (but to be clear his quota’s not with my missus least I think it’s not but will confirm next week). Again Calver M pulled out late and a message to him from the powers that be please stop doing this you’ll get someone pregnant! As a result of this withdrawal the game saw 9 Uruguayans line up against 8 Paraguayans. Technically better Paraguay had to work harder to create their chances as Uruguay were able to put bodies in the way. As a result Uruguay were always ahead leaving Paraguay chasing the game. 1-0, 1-1, 2-1, 2-2, 3-2, 3-3 shows I can count to 3. Nothing too fancy for Uruguay’s goals but two real peaches from Aseme R for Paraguay beautiful placed with real power behind them they were lovely to watch. As a result in the pub after there was a quick whip around to buy him some shorts and trainers to replace his non-elastic tracksuit and 1970s Dunlop plimsoles. The only problem is the shorts apparently dissolve on contact with water. And I leave you with my musings on the way home which revolved around Inglis P and whether the most annoying thing he did was accuse me of handling the ball outside the area or kept calling me “Matey”. Patrick I have known you for 22years I am not a flipping kids bath shower gel! Good night
Wed, 10/04/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
6 Uruguay
Hugo Fuller
Jonny Matthews
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Tristan Gervais
3 Walking from the car park to the pitch I heard a group of guys talking about their game. I caught the line “all he does is ponse around up front not passing or scoring and doesn’t get back”. I didn’t know Cuddigan H played a game before ours! Tonight though that phrase could have been applicable to anyone on the Uruguayan team. Huge credit though to Aseme R & Inglis P for drafting in some players to allow the game to happen and be 7 v 7. However that credit is then immediately withdrawn as they were much better than me and that’s not allowed! I can never fathom what is more important than Worthless football. It’s a hallowed affair and to cancel the evening before or day of is poor form when who could forget Davies P turning up and leaving his son needing A&E attention in the car till the match was over (see reports passim & seek verification of said fact) Anyhow tonight’s game saw Gervais T do his best Gervais R impression by turning up late and with no kit! He then managed to cobble together (from rummaging in a bin I suspect) a fetching figure hugging 1960s attire. This aerodynamic attire did not improve his velocity sadly. Both teams played some nifty football but Paraguay had the slightly better & fitter players and this showed as Uruguay we’re only one down at half time having had perhaps the better chances (see reports passim!) but we’re not clinical enough and slipped to a 3 goal defeat. Analysis of Uruguay’s positions when they shot will show that, like Theresa May’s Brexit policy, if at first you don’t succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try (I could go on but you get my drift) again! (With thanks to Private Eye). Am away next week so someone else will have to take up this cherished mantle (or simply be bothered!). Davies M wanted everyone to know he’s not around either as he’s in the Maldives! And it’s good night from me and good night from Davies M
Wed, 03/04/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Haigh
Paddy Inglis
Simon Gillespie
1 Uruguay
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Zac Arbib
2 For centuries managers have often moaned about the ref being the +1 player on the opposition team. In theory that would have meant 7 v 8 last night but thankfully Baker G was playing for Uruguay anyway so it was still 7 v 7. If he had his ref’s kit with him I am pretty sure he would have sent some of Paraguay off and maybe the odd Uruguayan for incompetence (or incontinence). Either way I think it is worth noting that I have never seen anyone deliberately trying to hurt or foul anyone in a Worthless game (apart from tackles/fouls on me where it is clearly deliberate as I am sooo good!) and everyone should and does play the game in a competitive and fun atmosphere. Only I can have a strop or moan! Anyhow to tonight’s game which saw the majority of protagonists from last week’s 17 goal bonanza rock up and play a cagey, cautious & technically high tempo game. Uruguay had possession and couldn’t score and Paraguay enjoyed being on the pitch in a very defensive format. A goal in each half for Uruguay meant they were cruising to victory and a niller for Paraguay looked almost a certainty until 8.02pm when Krick A hit a sweet strike into the top left corner (or perhaps mis-hit a pass) and saved Paraguay’s blushes. A la semaine prochaine!
Wed, 27/03/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
10 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
7 Uruguay were like diarrhoea tonight. A glorious noisy explosion at the beginning that turned into watery drivel at the end. Racing into a 6-0 lead within 15mins Blues could do no wrong but boy did they did they do wrong in the remaining 45mins (probably actually 35mins as we start 10mins late discussing each other’s new haircuts and boots) Like a slow releasing enema they pooped the bed at the end! Was it fitness, was it complacency, was it allowing Warner to score the exact same over the top on the break goal 6 times, was it a lack of leadership or did Paraguay simply rope-a-dope Uruguay, we will never know. The Davieses theory has been proven to be twaddle as Uruguay had two to Paraguay’s one and couldn’t hold onto a win. For the neutral this would have been a terrible game to watch however there were 17 goals scored. Half-time was 6-4 to Uruguay then Full-time 10-7 to Uruguay. Uruguay left the pitch bewildered and humbled! Will they regroup for next week or hang out wide on the pitch allowing Paraguay to wander down the middle........we shall see!
Wed, 20/03/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Shaun Lascelles
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
2 Uruguay
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
2 The theory of Davieses was temporarily halted tonight as Paraguay had 2 and Uruguay none and yet the result was a draw which flattered Paraguay who should have lost but Uruguay were unable to hold onto the lead. The theory of 8 v 8 proved true again as the game was enjoyable and people didnt have too much time to faff around with the ball. As I am writing this a week late I dont remember the goals but I am sure they were of the highest quality!
Wed, 13/03/2019 Paraguay
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
2 Many exciting (debatable) issues arose from last night's game. Firstly 8 v 8 is the way to go as it was a really enjoyable game of football. Everyone was involved and in my head I did my own Opta stats and across the pitch people all touched the ball and were up and down the pitch. Secondly a record needs to be kept as the winning team seems to be the team with the most Davieseses on their side! Tonight Paraguay had 2 Uruguay 1 & Paraguay won! Presumably it would be a draw if each side had two! Thirdly if the teams are evenly matched ipso facto (not showing off but I know Latin ergo I dont know how to use it) so is the game. This is very tricky to do and perhaps my Worthless Top Trumps (see reports passim) should be deployed in aiding team picking! Anyhow short round up of the game as I am off to bed. The round up is Paraguay won by a goal. My Opta stats show Paraguay had 3 or 4 shots on goal and Uruguay's strikers Manoukian V and Hodgson A had 34 shots on goal (or near goal). They tried headers, volleys, toe-pokes & back flicks but some inspired keeping (one cat like reactionary save by Davies S in particular) and wayward placing of their shots meant Uruguay could not win as comfortably as they should. Quad Erat Demonstrandum et nox noctis.
Wed, 06/03/2019 Paraguay
Ben Donald
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
4 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
8 Fuller H injured himself in the mid-morning training session so a like for like* swap ensued with Davies S and as I have said before when you get a triumvirate of Davies you do not lose. Davies P was the lone Davies for Paraguay and while he may have thought he could be the Lone Ranger and engineer a victory against overwhelming odds with Warner H as Silver and Cuddigan H as Tonto he probably ended up feeling like the guy on the poster for Platoon! Uruguay while perhaps over confident and never in danger of losing did squander chances and forgot to defend allowing Warner N to score several well struck breakaway goals. Reynolds B dialled back the years to remind us of his youthful tricks, tricks like not passing to his nearest teammate, tripping over his own stepovers & shooting wherever he was and strangely all shots drifting left of the goal! Uruguay did score some well worked goals however goal of the season has been decided and went to Paraguay’s sub Kachingwe M. Maya picked the ball up in his own half and then drifted past Coltart R who was then fortunate to be behind him as a result and watch as Maya then struck the ball from 35 yards out and it arrowed with a tiny wobble from the left side of the pitch into the top right corner making it simple for the keeper Hodgson A as all he had to do was pick the ball out of the net! Sadly it was too great too late! * my asterisk above allows me to clear up any confusion with my like for like statement. Both are of course men over 40 therefore like for like.
Wed, 06/02/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
9 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Ben Donald
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
3 Tonight was one of those David v Goliath games and in a slight twist to the usual outcome Goliath won comfortably! This was a landslide for Paraguay akin to the 1989 Paraguayan election for Provincial President General Andres Rodriguez as Paraguay were structured, quick and lethal on the counter attack. To be fair Uruguay did leave the middle of the park wide open like the 2016 Antarctic Chasm. For some odd reason Uruguay seemed to collectively feel the best places to mark were out wide! Anyhow both teams had some well worked goals. Uruguay definitely had to be more industrious in carving out their options and least they scored. Coltar R had a mini huff at losing and being fouled a few times but other than that fun was had by all. Did not attend the pub to get the elder’s input on the game. Apparently last week Uruguay spanked Paraguay so its a bit of a topsey turvey season. As Greavsey said “it’s a funny old game”.
Wed, 23/01/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Shaun Lascelles
William Stevenson
5 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
10 What do you get when you have a triumvirate of Davieseses (that’s enough ‘es-Ed) on your team? You get a win.....and a handsome one too. On a chilly night where oddly one end of the pitch was frosted Uruguay blitzed Paraguay. On paper the teams looked relatively even and indeed the opening ten minutes were even. Like a poked bear Cuddigan H bite back from last week’s comments and along with Hodgson A the two of them scored the first four (very good) goals to make it 2-2. Hodgson A was clearly looking for a second consecutive MoM as again he was leading the attack and at 2-2 Uruguay cut loose and were 6-2 up at half time. Rumours that Uruguay’s half time chat consisted of a vote that voted to allow Paraguay to score a few soft goals at the start of the second half were unfounded as the result of the first vote was too close to call and the rest of half time was spent discussing if we should have another vote but we couldn’t decide what the vote should be and then it was the start of the second half! Confused by their own half time chat Uruguay allowed Paraguay to score three soft goals thereby making their half time a farce! Once they identified where that scenario was strangely similar they took the game but the scruff of the neck and along with Inglis P who started passing to Uruguay they scored four more! For Paraguay Cuddigan H was MoM with a hat Trick (or more) of goals. For Uruguay all 8 players were MoMs and called Davieseseseseses! Good night
Wed, 16/01/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
2 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
4 This week’s naughty step recipient is Aseme R who turned up late dressed as a winter lifeguard on the Cornish coast. To be fair we started late so his tardiness had no impact on the opening part of the game which was a frantic end to end affair with missed shots aplenty. Gillespie S, Fuller H & Capione S all shot on sight of goal irrespective of which goal! The usual Davies clan warfare took place in the middle of the park between the Paraguayan branch Daviess’ S & P and the Uruguayan branch Daviess’ M & M (not to be confused with confectionary of US rappers). While the game was tight Uruguay always looked like they were going to sneak it with Calver M popping up and scoring and passing as and when required. 2-1 to Uruguay saw the lead go to 3-1 and Paraguay threatened a comeback at 3-2 but a goal to make it 4-2 took the wind out of their sail. Often over looked in these reports but someone who had a great game (according to himself) was Hodgson A and to be fair those of us who made the pub agreed with him. He carried the attack to Paraguay and beat the off side trap of Inglis P effortlessly time and time again. Conversely Warner N had a torrid time dealing with the relaxed style of Kachingwe M who long languid running style made him look like he was gliding over the 4G turf. Coltart R informed the pub he was drawing up a set of Worthless Top Trumps. The categories were speed, skill, offence, defence & awareness. Cuddigan H informed Coltart R that he often dumbs down his game to blend in with the rest of us otherwise he’d comfortably be the top card. It makes perfect sense as no one could miss that many goal opportunities naturally! Morgan C made the comment as he was leaving the pub that these reports were a bit dry and needed something to spice them up like trying to put everyones name into one report. What loser would do that?!?
Wed, 09/01/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
4 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Jonny Matthews
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
4 The Christmas break usually is a time for healthy portions of turkey and trimmings however clearly fitness was on the minds of the 16 trim individuals who took to the pitch to contest an enjoyable and frantic game. Uruguay were 4-2 ahead with 10mins to go however could not hold off the Paraguayan onslaught and in the 71st mins (remember of a 60mins game) Paraguay scored the goal that gave them a draw. Roll on next week.
Wed, 12/12/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Jonny Matthews
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Haigh
Nick Warner
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
5 Uruguay
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
4 They say sporting greatness is often defined as being on the losing team yet being the man of the match and tonight at the pub everyone (4 of us the other two were getting drinks) agreed that applied to one player. Stand up Michael “Mike” Davies. He single handedly carried Uruguay tonight with his box to box running style, cajoling of teammates and opponents and his superman like vision and oversight of the game. His performance mirrored an officer in the trenches turning to his men and saying “Follow me, we’ll be fine” and leading them to victory against superior numbers. Sadly his team were more Dad’s Army than Navy SEALs and shot themselves in the foot and handed each other pin-out grenades as Mike took the game by the scruff of the neck and each time Paraguay went ahead he found a way to pull Uruguay back into it the game. Step over, tackles and strikes he was a one man wrecking ball,a Paraguayan nightmare. As a Uruguayan player I was grateful he was on our team and not one of his duff brothers who barely registered on the pitch tonight, I would have sworn neither were there! (Umm one wasn’t-Ed) Davies Mark even asked if he could be adopted by Mike as he’s half way there with the surname! On behalf of myself and the rest of the Uruguayan team we’re sorry Mike we did not acquit ourselves adequately. You were 100% there and the rest of us 10% and we only lost by one. If we had just upped our game a little we would have obliterated Paraguay. We’ll aim to do that next week before the Christmas dinner and my usual three course meal. Cuddigan H is getting in the Hippy Crack before next week’s game so be in the car park by the urine patch ten minutes before kick off.
Wed, 28/11/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Haigh
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Sameer Godbole
4 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Michael Davies
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
3 a fast-paced game, punctuated only by Tristan's 25 minute late arrival (at which point his team was trailing 2-1) and a rather excessive extra-time imposed by Baker who, frankly, just doesn't like losing.
Wed, 21/11/2018 Paraguay
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Nick Haigh
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
4 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Barney Reynolds
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Tristan Gervais
William Stevenson
1 A fast flowing game saw 15 skillful footballers and Inglis P battle it out on a chilly night. Blues are a work in progress and tonight saw them cut their losing deficit to only three (Warner & Reynolds think four but numbers is not their strong point) from last week’s nine. On this basis next week’s result should be 1-1. Get down to the betting shop or bet365! Paraguay again got three goals midway through the first half piling the pressure on Uruguay who found they had little time on the ball which resulted in mistakes which Paraguay gleefully accepted. Half time team talk saw two trains of thought from the Uruguay team. Coltart R suggested playing the way your facing and go for the shorter pass option while Reynolds B suggested always giving him the ball wherever he was on the pitch! A delicate middle ground was adopted as at the start of the second half Coltart R bombed down the left and swept a majestic twenty yard pass along the ground into an on rushing Reynolds who stroked it home first touch. 3-1 and a glimmer of hope for Uruguay which was quickly sniffed out by another blue gaffe and Paraguay went 4-1 up. 1-1 second half is another positive for Blues. So in summary while Uruguay lost they won the most improved team award so a victory too! On a side note it transpires some of you do read these tedious dull reports! Do you have nothing better to do? I know Warner doesn’t but the rest of you?!? I now have to be a bit more careful in my third person analysis and who I am rude about! Have a good week all goodnight.
Wed, 14/11/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
William Stevenson
10 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Tristan Gervais
1 Not since Max Mosley’s last fancy dress party has anyone taken such a spanking as the blues did last night! It was one way traffic all night as the hapless Uruguayans didn’t know what to do bar a brief three mins spell to sneak a goal and spare the blushes of a niller thou I am surprise we managed to score. The red and whites had strength all over the park with Maya in defence the Davies brothers marshalling the midfield and Calver M & Stevenson W upfront along with Krick, Gillespie & Inglis floating but not in a turd in the toilet sense which was more akin to blues defence! Blues were mainly caught on the break and their 0-0-7 formation never really worked! Credit to Paraguay for turning around their miserable run against Uruguay so emphatically. Will it last-let’s see next week as this Uruguayan is fired up for revenge!
Wed, 07/11/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Jonny Matthews
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
2 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Barney Reynolds
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
4 So firstly I would like to note that Uruguay used to be first on the team sheet but in a bid to look like they are winning some matches Paraguay now appear first however the match reports will confirm Uruguay so far dominance this season. Secondly on coming back from a two week holiday the rest of my Uruguayan teammates informed me that after a detailed statistical and practical analysis they have isolated and located the weakest link in our team. I was eager to hear who but surprised to learn it was me! Apparently while away blues inflicted crushing results on the red and whites such as 10-4! They have asked me to take more holidays! Finally tonight’s game was 4-2 which perhaps highlights my teammates concerns!
Wed, 17/10/2018 Paraguay
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
5 Uruguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
Tristan Gervais
4 Concern by some of the Paraguayan players at the start of the game that they had a much stronger team than Uruguay proved unfounded. Tonight we witnessed goal of the season if not goal of the worthless westway. Davies M shimmied down the right wing ghosting past everyone then unleashed a screaming rising right foot shot.....thank goodness for the flyover as the ball clipped the underpass 15 foot above the goal and ricocheted into the goal!! This perhaps was a microcosm of Uruguay slightly riding their luck to open up a 4-2 lead. Yes Uruguay played the better football but Paraguay caught them on the break and pulled it back to 4-4 and were in the ascendancy and perhaps should have won it as they were all over Paraguay in the last minute. Thankfully the only shot Uruguay had in the last ten minutes snuck in and they were able to hold on to sneak it. Well played Uruguay
Wed, 10/10/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
6 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Rupert Coltart
Tristan Gervais
2 A bit like the Paraguayan War also know as the War of the Triple Alliance of 1864, tonight's Paraguayan Team got annihilated. The scoreline may have even be 7-2 as I thought everyone on the Uruguayan team scored! Uruguay were compact and disciplined and scored all manner of goals from headers to tap ins and even a Romeo J slow mo goal! Good pub attendance too and the naughty step for Warner and Hodgson for being the last two on the pitch today. See you all next week.
Wed, 03/10/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
4 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Walters
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
4 Finally the tops for the two teams arrived. The order seems to have been placed around 1997 as my top would have fitted me then when I had a six pack and was a lean machine. Now a few kilos heavier and a one pack the top may only last a few weeks as the washes will turn it into a tight crop top! Perhaps the distraction will blind the oppo and we will win more games! Anyhow tonight's game saw Paraguay go two nil up in the first quarter. Cuddigan H's trip to Cancun must have been so awful that he clearly had been thinking about his striking skills as he drilled a peach of a shot into the top right hand corner from two yards out. Davies P added a second as Uruguay looked a little disjointed and concerned as to where their goals were going to come from. Step forward Hodgson A who decided to highlight some of his attacking skills as a crisp move was neatly finished by him and then a sweet strike 15 yards out that Paraguay's keeper could see as Hodgson A bent it around a defender and nestled the ball top left. Half time 2-2. Uruguay looked to be in the ascendancy but despite more chances than Paraguay could not get that all important winner and honours were even. Hodgson A deserves another mention for taking a well drilled ball, by his brother-in-law, in the nuts. The other 13 guys all winced and felt some pain but Hodgson’s pain allowed Uruguay to hang on. In the pub Coltart R had his usual (hot dog and nachos) while watching Arena 3 show Champions League football. The delay or repeat of the picture seems to bring clarity to sports betting and the benefit of being several seconds ahead/behind of the stream!!!! Also as a PS the report will start recording and awarding people who are late. As we start late anyway after our usual warm up and chats there really is no excuse unless any of you are running the country or world. Krick A takes the award this week!
Wed, 26/09/2018 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
6 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
4 This week Uruguay did not blow their three goal half time lead. They lost the second half 4-3 but that was due to the usual panic of being ahead while at the same time believing they could pirouette the ball into the net. Some Uruguayans also blamed the second half loss on the fact the new kits had not arrived and the Paraguay team were playing in a mix of red and white tops which was confusing. Personally for me that is a load of cobblers. We are in blue so look for someone in blue & they are on your team. It doesn’t matter if the opposition are decked out in technicolour dream coats. If it’s not blue it ain’t for Uruguay! Great goals by blues but I’m not getting paid enough (or anything) to break the game down for the masses (over -1 at last count) who read this!