Match Statistics

Date	Team 1	Goals 1	Team 2	Goals 2	Match reports
Wed, 23/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Anton Bettink Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	4	No Coltart R faffing around at the back giving a goal away meant Reds were able to secure the win. Another close game which was heading to a draw until a fortuitous rebound off the roof goal (one of the three Worthless specialised permitted goals in the rule book along with headers in the box and democratic voting on spectacular volleys or own goals in the box, this one was last called into use in the 2007 Winter of discontent season) scored by Davies P who pretty much mis-hit the ball intending for a (in his dreams) on the turn curling top left wrong footed shot but either way beat an up till then difficult to beat Baker G. Roll on next week
Wed, 16/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Dan Herbert Hugo Cuddigan John Dawes Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	Second week running Coltart R got caught with the ball and was the last man (before the keeper) for reds resulting in whites scoring. this time Romeo J took the ball of him and a neat back pass set up the on rushing Davies S who duly scored. Clearly if this hadn’t happened Reds would have won instead they found themselves chasing the game which is always more stressful and tedious.
Wed, 09/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Anton Bettink Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	5	Another close exciting game and credit must go to the guy who picks the teams….me! Anyhow Coltart R turned up 6mins late to find Bolton had taken advantage of the extra man by scoring. Considering this unsporting and at full strength West Ham quickly levelled. It is much easier to remember your own teams goals than the opposition’s so apologies Bolton will take better note. Two of West Ham’s goals were quick breakaways that resulted in their final player receiving the ball with back to goal. On both occasions they were able to hold the ball up and tee it up for an on rushing team mate to drill it home. It was slick! Some entertaining (read dubious) handball and foul calls kept us all on our toes. I would say none of us are skilful enough to deliberately handball and due to lack of skill the odd mistimed tackle happens. My advice don’t get near anyone when playing including your own teammate!
Wed, 02/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Barney Reynolds Ben Donald Gordon Baker Harry Harland Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Hugo Cuddigan John Dawes Michael Davies Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Steve Davies	1	No idea of the score as I wasn’t playing but I understand it was a moist game!
Wed, 26/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Hugo Fuller John Romeo Saverio Campione	5	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Anton Bettink Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	5	Like the Conservative party the WAFC committee are going to start making up the rules and require 100 members to vote to allow a Fuller daughter to play in goal in future as they are frankly too good and fearless for our games! As mentioned in a previous report Evie and Violet threw themselves all over the place and while 10 goals in a game seems a lot if it had been a usual game it would have been load more as none of us dive or hurl ourselves about. The reason for the higher than usual shots on goal is due to the additional players aged under 20 who ran the regulars ragged with their end to end box running and crisp passing and shooting. Reds had two young Campiones going up against their father along with one of their friends and Whites had Romeo Jnr playing with his father. Whites also had a ringer who wore a red top with a mini fluorescent bib thereby not confirming to either strip but that didn’t seem to bother him but was definitely annoying for reds. Goals of note were a Romeomdouble act with son steaming down one side drilling a cross along the ground for Dad to arrive a thump in. Another was a one two with two of the younger reds doing some one two play down one side culminating in a high cross for the on rushing Frederic to leap and head in. At one point reds were 5-2 down but rallied to draw. Thanks to everyone for a fun and enjoyable game.
Wed, 12/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Amr Abulaban Anton Bettink Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Harry Harland Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Steve Davies	4	Injuries sustained early on by Steve Davies (back) and late by Pete Davies (hamstring) serve as a chilling reminder on this clement evening that we (the royal variety) are not as young as we used to be...and that, in general, players should take a leaf out of Inglis's's's's book in terms of amount of energy spent shouting at others versus that spent in actual physical activity.
Wed, 05/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Dan Herbert Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	5	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	Wore my lucky shirt and of course we lost! Firstly a debate took place if we should play 6 v 6 and move the goals in or rope in two ringers. We roped in two ringers. While neither were rapid one could play football and was signed by Bolton. The other claimed he could play football. Perhaps he meant Subbuteo or table football as the newly signed Daniel for the Hammers seemed to be channeling his best impression of a woeful and ineffective Cuddigan H! He goal hung, didn’t track back, perhaps was blind as his vision for the easy ball was non existent and every time he mis-controlled or got hit by the ball rolled around on the floor! Now while some of you may say that is a good impression of Cuddigan H the fundamental and crucial difference was that Cuddigan H scores the odd goal. Daniel couldn’t score in a brothel even if we paid all the girls in the house of sin! To be fair the Hammers to a man left their shooting boots at home. Hammers had more possession and almost five times as many shots as Bolton yet we didn’t win. Could be a worrying season if the Hammers don’t start scoring. Opening goal was a strange one. Coltart R received the ball about five yards from his own goal. Feeling a little bit of pressure from the Bolton striker and nothing clear in front of him he no looked passed back to his keeper. Trouble was the Hammers keeper was not in his goal. Instead he was playing left back in a 3-2-2 formation the sum of that formation negating a keeper! Don’t think I have ever scored an own goal till tonight! Second goal was a lovely back heel volley from Davies S on the edge of the Hammers area after some lovely work down the right side for Bolton culminating in a deft chip,to Davies S to back heel volley in. Can’t remember the third goal but the scoring went 3-0, 3-1,3-2, 4-2,4-3,5-3. If it had been shots on goal as a metric for the result it would have been as mentioned above 107-7 the Hammers. Must start scoring! Good game played in a fair spirit too. Roll on next week
Wed, 28/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Mike Penkethman Nick Warner Simon Gillespie	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Hugo Cuddigan Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	6	Not sure of last weeks score but for me playing this was the Hammers first win. A dominant performance with West Ham basically coughing up goals to allow Bolton a chance to get back in. Some nice Bolton goals in particular a solo Warner N run from the half way line after a crazy pass attempt by one Hammer player but Warner still had to go round several Hammers and drilled the ball into the goal rolling back the years to his clinical finishing when younger. Hammers goals were all disciplined team playing. Was wearing my 2022/2023 long sleeve Hammer shirt. Could this be this seasons lucky shirt for me?
Wed, 14/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Steve Davies	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	We was robbed! To a man that is what every Hammers player said as they left the pitch some perhaps with better grammar but the gist was clear. A stronger looking Bolton side never really got going yet somehow managed to win. Is that the sign of a good team? Either way the Hammers went 2-0 and just like last week the first goal was a contender for goal of the season. Some nifty play down the Hammers left side by one of their players drew several Bolton defenders towards him. A glance up saw Cuddigan H in the middle of the park 15 yards from goal. Pretending to go down the line Coltart R (for it is he) executed a no look side pass into the path of the on rushing Cuddigan H who without stopping laced the ball into the top left ricocheting off the cross bar and in. A (mis-placed) confidence swept through the Hammers and as mentioned above they went 2-0 up at half time. Second half I have blocked out but suffice to say the score went 2-1, 3-1 then last 10 mins the Hammers pretended they had never played football or just switched off to ship 3 simple goals. The pub nearly had a full complement of both teams but as someone intoned only people whose surnames start with “D” and end in “avies “ were only 25% in attendance! Am away next week so anyone wishing to cover this send an email to completedrivel@worthless.com for the login deets.
Wed, 07/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Amr Abulaban Anton Bettink Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione	8	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Rupert Coltart Steve Davies	6	Welcome back to the start of the new 2022/23 Worthless AFC season as Bolton Wanderers takes on West Ham Utd (formerly known as Ironworks FC) for the Cuddigan-Warner Trophy (memo to WAFC bank to purchase something befitting of the club before the end of the season try Argos first). After a small bit of transfer re-jigging the teams took to the pitch under the spotlights of the hallowed Astro-turf of the Westway sports centre pitch 4. Just like the Premiership the standard of opening season games has got better and better and indeed there was no evidence of rustiness or a 9 week layoff. The game started at a good pace which will be interesting to see if it can be maintained throughout the season! It was fitting that such a good start to the game demanded a good opening goal and boy goal of the season has already been decided! Despite a fairly even game West Ham managed to get every player to touch the ball bar Coltart R (a sign of thing to come?) from there own goal edge all the way down the pitch to Hodgson A who received a bouncing ball some 20yds (Hodgson A says 50yds but that would be the next pitch!0 out from goal and just unleashed a short that flew into the top left corner a true wonder goal that he probably could not repeat if he tried again. Indeed he definitely can’t currently as after he took his boots off after the game it transpired he has broken his big toe (fractured at least) after such a powerful shot. Anyhow 1-0 up West Ham were buoyed up and pushed on to make it 2-0. Seemingly in cruise mode the usual Worthless curse struck of over confidence and soon after some silly mistakes and poor decisions West Ham found themselves 4 goals down at 6-2. But just like a usual WAFC game the curse always seems to strike the team ahead and soon West Ham had pulled it back to 6-5 but you guessed it they fell asleep and probably fatigue allowed Bolton to pull back ahead to 8-5 before West Ham got a late goal to make it 8-6 but still lost. Overall though a 14 goal game in 55mins is quite fun everyone agreed and bodes well for the season ahead. Due to the usual price increase at the pub most people stuck to drinks and indeed this author discovered that the lime and soda pint is only £2!!!! That is the way forward. Next week we’ll observe a minute’s silence for the Queen’s passing. RIP Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and long live the King! it should be noted that Hodgson A broke his big toe on his standing not striking foot and indeed it was not caused by the wonder goal but by a blunder tackle he did later in the game and in fact both his feet seem to be a little sore apparently. Big girl’s blouse!
Wed, 15/06/2022	California Hugo Fuller Mike Penkethman Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Vatche Manoukian	2	Los Angeles Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan John Park Mark Davies Michael Davies	2	Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me as Manoukian V pulled out again from the game at the last minute and while it wasn’t a massage this time the excuse was somewhat wishy washy. This coupled with some transfer market antics saw Reds picking up the free agent Sol Inglis and in a straight swap Davies S moved to reds and his brother Davies M came onboard for Whites. Whites still lined up one man down 6 v 7. Now those of,you who know Sun Tzu’s the art of war will be aware of his quote “if equally matched we can offer battle; if slightly inferior in numbers we can avoid the enemy and if quite unequal in every way we can flee from him” This was White’s pre-game chat as we realised with a man down we would have to work harder and if we found ourselves evenly numbered somewhere on the pitch try and attack, if a man down play the ball back start again and if completely outnumbered somewhere on the pitch just run away with the ball! And you know what this mantra worked and Whites were disciplined and stuck to it. Sun Tzu would have been proud as whites showed the same character as the battle of rorke’s drift and the battle of Rezang La combined! (I’ll let you look them up and not ruin the surprise). Reds took the lead with a rare moment of sloppy play from whites. Half time though whites were only 1-0 down and full of confidence that they had had some chances and contained reds by pushing them out wide and giving them no space in the middle to operate despite the extra man. Whites soon levelled from the restart when Campione S hit a deceptively cheeky shot from an acute angle which confused Red’s keeper who had come out thinking a cross was imminent and left his near post unguarded and the ball rolled in. To be honest I think it confused Campione S and most of whites too! Anyhow buoyed at levelling whites were resolute in their defence and kept trying to catch reds on the counter attack. Fatigue began to kick in though and reds had more chances which resulted in a second for them. Whites were not done though and a truly sublime half volley with the ball rising saw Campione S again (bit like London buses-Ed) level for whites. Last few frantic minutes saw whites hang on. The last two plays saw Cuddigan H nearly win it for Reds but a finger tipped save by the white’s keeper ricocheted onto the crossbar and fall to Fuller H who went on a mazey run beating every red player and almost scoring bar a last ditch tackle from Red’s defender and keeper. Final whistle and a jubilant white team and a dejected red team as one red described the game as a “morale” victory for whites and indeed it was. A lung busting performance by the six whites! Anyhow in the pub afterwards it was discovered that some of the reds were pre-game doping for extra performance with neurofen no less! I’ll let you try and work out which reds player(s) were playing above their usual,potential! But as one other pub goer pointed out worthless is a bit like the 1980s Tour de France with Lance Armstrong…..we’re all doping to raise our game to the high bar that is Wednesday night worthless football! Heaven help us if we stop what would our game be like! Anyhow two games left of the season and hopefully our turn out will be worthy of the two matches.
Wed, 08/06/2022	California Harry Harland Hugo Fuller Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	5	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Amr Abulaban Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	2	Zidane, Ronaldo, Messi & Davies M (Mark not Mike) all players who are lynchpins for their respective teams, players who owners/managers build squads around. Players whose impact on the pitch galvanise their teams to victory. And so when Davies M (Mark not Mike) decided he wanted to walk his dogs (Pedigrees?-Ed) Wednesday evening an hour before ko the remaining 15 players knew which team had secured the victory. Without Davies M (Mark not Mike) mesmeric right sided runs Reds were dead in the water. On paper though reds were still slightly stronger but as we all know a team is only as good as it’s cohesion and tonight white to a man ran, past and shot as one unit. A mixture of doing the simple and complicated stuff at the right time along with a high (lack of) fitness level saw whites camp in the own half and lure reds in to then hit them on the break. The break was usually two or three players at most. Reds laboured without the mazey (surely off balance-Ed) runs of Davies M (Mark not Mike). Whites were always two goals ahead and never in danger of being caught. In the pub one grizzled veteran observed that he often felt he was a decoy runner for the rest of his red team….perhaps they are trying to tell you something! Anyhow two games left of the season roll on!
Wed, 01/06/2022	California Hugo Fuller Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Sol Inglis	6	Los Angeles Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies	5	The future of Worthless football looks to be in safe hands as 5 youngsters from 3 regular worthless Dads rolled up to play in tonight's 5 v 5 game. The goals were brought closer together which resulted in much hand wringing from Cuddigan H who wondered how he was going to be able to effectively goal hang! The white team consisted of Evie Fuller in goal in an all blue kit with Inglis P and Fuller H in defence leaving a dynamic duo of Sol Inglis and Benedict Campione up front. The red team had the slightly elder team with Violet Fuller in goal with a defence of Freddy Campione and Coltart R with Cuddigan H and Davies M powering the attack. The game started (late as usual) with both teams working out the pitch dimensions as well as working out their team's strengths. Turned out anyone over 40 had no strengths (just delusions) so relied on the youngsters in their teams to win them the game. Most of Whites play went through either Sol or Benedict who mainly tormented reds down the wings. As a result this left open the middle of the field for Freddy to occupy and be the link for Reds between defence and attack. Both Evie and Violet were fearless in goal happy to throw themselves on the ground and dive about unfortunately getting the odd scrap and pitch burn. At half-time they both had a good giggle comparing injuries. This is in stark contrast to the usual Wednesday game where any cut/burn is usually accompanied by a loud yelp and said injured person needs to show everybody the miniscule graze they have. Anyhow the general pattern was whites taking the lead with reds catching them up. Some lovely goals from Sol and Benedict along with perhaps better fitness began to stretch Reds despite Freddy's best efforts and stepovers (sound familiar?) However at 5-4 a darting run by Coltart R with a deft off load to Cuddigan H who slotted home allowed Whites to level with a minute or so to go. The goal sparked wild celebrations and a pitch invasion of fans or so Coltart R thought turned out it was just the next game sneaking onto the pitch and warming up! A minute to go and the ball fell to Coltart R who drifted off to the corner trying to run down the clock for an admirable draw and perhaps extra time and penalties only for Sol to nip the ball off him and wander down the pitch and score with the last kick of the game. Too much faffing by Coltart R. Anyhow an enjoyable and surprisingly tiring game as on a smaller pitch there is nowhere to hide and it is continuous running. Many thanks to Evie, Violet, Benedict, Freddy and Sol for turning out and allowing their Dads a little bit of much needed weekly exercise. Hopefully another opportunity for the game to be replayed (and reds get revenge with less faffing) will present itself soon.
Wed, 25/05/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Simon Gillespie Vatche Manoukian	2	Los Angeles Ben Donald Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan John Park Mark Davies Nick Warner Steve Davies	2	Speed, finesse, vision & skill all words to be used to describe tonight's game of football.... being played on the pitch next to us. Tonight's Worthless game though will go down in the club an(n)als as an entertaining if disjointed affair. Firstly yours truly must apologise for not heeding one's advice by often barracking people in this forum for turning up without signing up to play and doing exactly that this evening. Coupled with my one mate Manoukian V who messaged me in the week saying he wanted to play mistook my text reply of "you're in" as book yourself a massage instead (something I guess only Warner N may be able to relate to as a possible game conflict)! On the assumption I was down to play and thinking we were one short I started a panic of trying to find someone at 6pm. Step forth Baker G who agreed to play in goal. However when we all rocked up we were 8 v 7 due to my incompetence! For those of you too bored to read further about the game you can get a feel for it by knowing Baker G disappeared to the pub at half time! One thing I never quite understand is the start time of 8pm. I am pretty sure that means we have the pitch at 8pm as I rolled up at 8.02pm to find numerous people arriving after me. Come on folks yes the car park is free from 8pm but you get a couple of minutes grace say from 7.56pm onwards so lets try and get as long a game as possible as we certainly get kicked off at 9pm! However to tonight's game. The ball was sponsored by the charity Alive and Kicking which produces footballs made it Africa and sold around the world. We were using their new synthetic ball which is a game changer from their leather ones and I thought the ball moved and played perfectly. A shame the ball was not mirrored in both team's performances! As I said above the game was fun and a lot of running was done by everyone. I think the amusing thing was several people throughout the first half said "looks like we a re heading for a niller (or a 0-0) tonight" as try (or not) as both teams might they couldn't be effective in the final third and put the ball in the back of the net. With Baker G in goal Whites had the extra player so had more of the ball but feeling that they had the player superiority did the usual (mainly Coltart R) faffing around and pretty football and trying to almost walk the ball into the net. It took a breakaway by Reds led by Park J who from the right side of the pitch sent the most exquisite cross (literally I would have been proud of that cross he could try that a billion times and never replicate it!) which was met equally impressively with a header into the goal by Harland H. Feeling sorry for Whites Cuddigan H who was in goal for Reds then let the ball trickle into his goal to level the game. With Baker G departing at half time Whites were worried but that fear was misplaced as while both teams had shots (albeit it wide of the goal) it never felt like one team would win. A goal each in the second half and 2-2 it finished. Am away next week with numbers already looking low perhaps a call out to the masses!
Wed, 04/05/2022	California Charlie Morgan Harry Harland Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Steve Davies	4	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Deven Ghelani Gordon Baker John Park Martin Calver Mike Penkethman Nick Warner	4	To win or not to win that was really the question whites faced tonight. Did Coltart R score the winner in the 92mins or had reds stopped playing. No one knows but Whites on balance should have won it but some stoic red defending led by Pendragon M very (dim) distant relative of Arthur Pendragon “King of the Britains” and small stakeholder of Pendragon Car dealership (Glamorgan lot) frustrated whites. Worth noting tonight’s game was 7 v 7 and was a lot more relaxed and enjoyable than perhaps the 8 v 8 line ups. The game started with a quick piece of transfer business as Harland H moved to reds as Ghelani D moved to Whites. At kick off Harland H showed his best Balotelli M impression as he struggled to put his new red shirt on for a few minutes! Reds anyhow scored the first two goals as poor Campione S was deceived by the speed and direction of two long range shots that looked like top corner zingers but were in fact pea rollers straight at him! Whites managed to level though for 2-2 at half time. Second half again reds pulled ahead but thankfully whites managed in between their pretty but ineffective play to score two simple goals. No pub for me but roll on next week.
Wed, 27/04/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	3	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Deven Ghelani Gordon Baker Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies Martin Calver Mike Penkethman Steve Davies	7	“An inflated pig’s bladder, an inflated pig’s bladder, my kingdom for an inflated pig’s bladder. A boar’s one would do too I suppose”. Historians know that Shakespeare ripped off Richard III’s true words as he wandered around Bosworth Field looking for a ball and indeed a pick up game with the Tudors which unfortunately due to a rough tackle and no Baker G to officiate resulted in the Battle of Bosworth field and his ultimate demise! Coltart R was muttering something similar Wednesday night as he wandered onto the pitch and realised his fellow 15 players did not bring a ball or a pump. Thankfully he found a flat ball which the Westway receptionist deflated further until she finally relented and allowed him behind the reception desk to inflate the ball! Perhaps we need a Worthless Whip around to buy a ball or two and a pump so we don’t rely on the usual suspects! What Richard III didn’t need and probably didn’t give a poop about is a 22 foot telescopic pole (perhaps he needed a lance!) to prod the ball off the roof netting which to be honest if it wasn’t there would not effect the game as much. Anyhow to tonight’s game: Reds certainly we’re the stronger team however a quick team talk by Whites at the start (8.15pm) and indeed a vague formation and plan saw whites take a 2-1 halftime lead through a couple of quick counter attack goals. Whites halftime talk focused on reds two strikers Calver M and Cuddigan H. The plan was to double mark Calver M and allow Cuddigan H to roam free and thereby get most of reds passes directed to him which whites then thought they could either tackle or push him out wide thus negating any potential goal threat. The other (usual) tactic discussed was play it simple and no silly passes. Well what do you think happened? Yup a few over eager white passes (to reds) saw Whites suddenly 5-2 down and then Cuddigan H executed a striker masterclass to twice beat Coltart R with two unstoppable shots bottom right and top left. He also earlier made two great saves in goal to stop whites getting back into the game. Second half score was 5-1 reds to therefore make the final score 7-3 to reds. In the pub afterwards the red players acknowledged the graft whites put in to take the lead in the first half and also saluted the mistakes in the second half to gift them the win! There was then a discussion about whether fondling someone’s testicles or shaking their hand was the best way to detect possible atrial fibrillation! One is certainly easier we determined! I’ll bring a couple of balls to fondle next week and as I can no longer wear my Schalke top due to their unfortunate sponsor I have purchased a Real Madrid too which will hopefully inspire me and my teams play!
Wed, 20/04/2022	California Hugo Fuller Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	5	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Cuddigan John Park John Romeo Mark Davies Martin Calver Nick Warner	5	Tonight’s game felt like it was played in the Vincente Calderon Stadium such was the intense, cauldron atmosphere that the game was played in. 16 slightly unfit, over optimistic of their abilities, 40/50 something years old men wandered onto the Westway 7 a side pitch (no 5 or 4? I should know) most not having played since the Easter break and each one of the them had the mind set that this game was going to rival an El Classico. Game day mind games by Reds saw Romeo J withdraw in the morning due to an over zealous Lemaze session the evening before resulting in Calver M being drafted in with Davies S moving to Whites with Morgan C also jumping to reds. The game started with both sides trying to remember how to play football as passes and runs didn’t quite go according to plan. A few crunching tackles and balls in the face began to heat the game up. While Whites may have been an older team Gillespie S and Gorton O dialled back the years with some end to end running to keep whites in the game and generally disrupt Reds play. Can’t really remember the score until Reds were 4-2 ahead with Calver M scoring at least 3 of those 4 red goals. It was odd that Whites knew the one player most likely to score for Reds was Calver M but chose instead to constantly mark and pick up every player but Calver M! Whites half time chat was entertaining too with the first two or three players in the huddle discussing that they really hadn’t clicked or connected with one another. Players 3-6 then joined said huddle with the opening lines of “we aren’t playing too badly and have made some good passes to one another” with players 7 and 8 rolling in with “not too sure if we’ve played well or not!” With this clear team cohesion Whites started the second half with a disallowed goal that would have been seriously argued but for Davies M & M both saying it was inside the area. With a consensus from the two most honest players on the pitch Coltart R & Davies S begrudgingly trudged back to the halfway line wondering how they were going to get back into the game. Somehow Whites pulled level and then snuck ahead only for guess who to level in the final few minutes and guess what he was wide open too! (Hint: it wasn’t Romeo J!) Great to see Cuddigan H back on the pitch more and more regularly after his injury and can’t comment on the pub as my nanny wouldn’t stay past 9.30pm this evening! Will be there next week though.
Wed, 02/03/2022	California Andy Krick Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	5	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Gordon Baker Hugo Cuddigan John Park John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	4	It would be unfair of me not to write a match report for this game as the winning goal does need to be recorded for the impending Doomsday Book. Rumours that Warner N was on the Bealrus, Ukraine, Russian border trying to broker a deal by offering Putin V real tennis lessons (or in fact any racquet sport) were unfounded he is just injured unlike Putin V who is just nuts. The Worthless Community stands with Ukraine! Last weeks match was a tight affair which saw whites always take the lead and then pegged back by reds. It took a moment of class from Gorton O to win the match. The ball was bouncing around about 25 yards out and as all professionals would tell you never hit a rising ball while leaning backwards it just balloons. Gorton O knows better and having clearly taken in wind direction, humidity, surrounding objects and the fact Hodgson A was 50cms off his line did just such sending the ball crashing against the underside of the A40 Westway Slip Road and resulting in a ricochet off the concrete block and into the back of reds goal! Gorton O said it was clearly not a fluke and he'd do it again if required. We believed him. Tonight's game looking like reds are favourites as whites do not appear to have a recognised striker. Where will their goals come from? Log in to see the match report later.
Wed, 23/02/2022	California Deven Ghelani Hugo Fuller Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	4	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Gordon Baker Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	5	‘The great thing about Worthless is when we all step on the pitch we think we are 25 again. Of course we are not and some of us feel it after the game” intoned one veteran worthless player in the pub after the game. While I catch his drift I am grateful if that’s our skill level at 25 thank goodness we don’t play to our true age! Two of my solid theories a) team with Calver M wins & b) if Coltart R wears his German top he wins and if his Schalke top he loses we’re both blown clear out the water as Whites lost but just. No show by Ghelani D puts him firmly on the naughty step however Whites didn’t really notice they were one man down…..literally at half time 3 of the 7 whites were surprised we were short and understood then why we were running a lot…Anyhow it is always great to see a legend return from injury and tonight Cuddigan H was back limbering up on the pitch after his birthday on Monday. He started in Red’s goal making some smart early saves which were either skill or luck and then moved back into his usual position that we all know and love midway through the first half in goal….the whites goal that is. If you looked up “advanced player” in the dictionary there would be no words just a pic of Cuddigan H. Anyhow game time and whites matched reds in the opening quarter and indeed took the lead. A man down and whites strategy was generally try and catch reds on the break and to be fair it worked however Whites were always pegged back by Reds more through indiscipline on their part then skill by reds. However goal of the game went to Harland H for reds who rifled in a long range shot I think volleying the shot down into the ground from about 20 yards out and seeing it rise and nestle in the top corner. Lovely strike. Little bit edgy with some strong tackles and pushes in the last 15 as reds were one down then drew level and snuck it. with whites defence eventually tiring but performed admirably. Despite winning Davies M(ike) walked off the pitch looking quite glum apparently because nobody stroked his other testicle this week. Coltart R found a crisp £50 note at home and thought it would be fun to use “cash” again in the pub. After buying everyone a pint he then tried to order his usual food of chips and nachos to share with Cuddigan H to find he was 50p short and had to settle for chicken quesadillas instead! Budgeting is not his forte! Compliments from all that my dream metric team picking quantum alogorthimic formula has yielded some good games last few weeks is gratefully appreciated. Another grizzly veteran asked if I could start uploading the reports to the Worthless regular chat. Two issues there are a) technologically I don’t know how to do that and b) sneaky feeling I would soon be the only person in the chat!
Wed, 16/02/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Oliver Gorton Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	4	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Amr Abulaban Andy Krick Mark Davies Michael Davies	5	The many naysayers (Coltart R only) were doubtful a game would occur as at midday on match day there was only 5 v 6. This resulted in some of the members making behind the scenes dinner reservations at Dorsia (a Worthless pin badge if you can name the film I am taking that restaurant from!). However what appears to be a general pulling together by 10 of the players scheduled to play (Coltart R was booking a table for everyone at Peppermint Hippo) the game suddenly morphed into an 8 v 8 and it was a real Classico! Reds had a strong galatico next gen Worthless team while Whites were a more Veteran grislled old guard Worthless team. Whites looked like they would be two people down but recruited off the sidelines a real young gun for hire called Deshawne/Disharne/Dishoone (delete as correct and for rest of report Di). Whites started brighter and indeed opened the scoring through a solo run by Di. That was generally the theme of the first half as reds were a bit impotent and whites would mop up their messy attack give the ball to Di and off he’d go and score. 3-0 up Whites seemed to be cruising and indeed picked up an extra player to make it 8 v 8. Now a slight side story but when I wear my wife’s local team’s top I generally lose and when I wear her national top win. Tonight I was wearing her local team and signs that things were going to turn for white happened towards the end of the first half when the new white player and Fuller H played some triangle passing with a red player in front of white’s goal. After a few triangles the red player (Gill R?) decided to just score. 3-1 at half time and while Whites were having the usual doomed chat of “we are playing really well, more of the same, crisp passes no sloppy play etc” Reds were clearly doubling up on viagra like Trump D chasing Melanie K/D around the boudoir as reds came out rock hard and energised while whites became (like Trumps E & DJ) flaccid and spent. Reds cruised into a 4-3 lead and then some inspired decision making resulted in a cricked Krick going in goal for reds. Move over Buffon G as Krick A turned into a goal keeper possessed. Whites had plenty of shots to level and take the lead but he saved all of them. Eventually one snuck in before the end of the game and whites breathed a sigh of relief that they had drawn. Alas they forgot which shirt Coltart R was wearing and a last ditch charge by reds saw them sneak it. A lot of last minute goals in the past few weeks! Highlights of the game were Gillespie S 50cm away from his own goal drilling a cross from a red player onto the crossbar and nonchalantly getting on with the game while explaining to the rest of his team “it’s called defending!’. Last one was Davies M trying to stop whites keeper from picking the ball up and walking away from the encounter muttering “he stroked my left testicle to distract me!’ Right I’m off to burn my Schalke shirt, Fortuna Düsseldorf (away) here we come…..
Wed, 09/02/2022	California Andy Krick Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Fuller Martin Calver Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Sameer Godbole	2	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Amr Abulaban Gordon Baker John Park Mark Davies Michael Davies Nick Warner Steve Davies	6	I have been distracted writing this report by watching 15mins of a film called Salt. In said 15mins Angelina Jolie has run more miles, eluding the US government, than I suspect all of us did in tonight’s game which I thought was an energetic game! Why she is fleeing from the US government is due to some mix up apparently but this is not the forum for a film review. My onlyfans paid firewall covers that. Anyhow to tonight’s game and a strong Red team did not allow any giant killing or cup upset to occur. The score though flattered reds as whites played the better opening football and indeed took the lead through a sublimely weighted pea roller of a shot. Hodgson A (for it is he) was in goal for reds. By the way he reacted to the shot I suspect he has only purchased the first episode of the Flowers & Seamen Valentine Gift Tips and Goalkeeping Coaching podcast entitled “Stepover”. Hodgson A with cat like reactions on seeing the shot hurtling at glacial speed towards him executed a perfect stepover and as the ball came towards him lifted his foot up and over the ball allowing it to trickle into the goal accompanied by some red groans. Perhaps this lulled whites into a false sense of security as some poor play and also an annoying trait of everyone drifting to the wings allowed reds to romp down the middle after picking off some poor passes and faffing around on the ball too long (Coltart R holds his hands up here) saw whites 3-1 down at halftime. Second half whites tried to get back in the game and had chances and shots as in the first half but credit to reds who took their chances tonight. Davies S tried a bicycle kick that went nowhere. However once again like last week Calver M scored with the last kick of the game and yes you guessed it it was a bicycle kick. Warner N clearly was sharing podcast episodes with Hodgson A but had shelled out for the second episode called “the limp wristed swat”. Need to brush up on my Albanian as I ordered (in English) the Chicken Caesar in the pub with extra dressing only to be served the Chicken Avocado salad with no dressing! Anyhow have a good week and for those of you interested Salt is a goodie and so far has killed more Russians than the Germans managed in WW2 with what appears to be a WH Smith protractor and a Arthur Price spoon (sugar not soup).
Wed, 02/02/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Martin Calver Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	8	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Mark Davies Michael Davies Nick Warner Steve Davies	6	Update on Swann L for those of you following this story. Every now and then a young 20 or 30 something chap wanders onto the pitch and says something like “is this Omar’s game?” now I know what you are all thinking….I hope he is not a detective for the metropolitan police as anybody casting a glance around the assorted players warming up or chatting on the pitch would probably guess that Omar has not had a hand in organising the game! Another of my favourites is “I’m here for Tyson” and I tell them that Tyson is truly grateful for their friendship and effort to making it to the Westway and will be ecstatic to see them on his pitch. So when enquiring where the hell Swann L was last week was surprised to learn that he did turn up last week and enjoyed a game at 8pm on the 11 a side pitch! Checking the game out on the 11 a side pitch I can only assume they all suffer from low self esteem as for Swann L to roll up and say “I’m here for the Worthless game” they must have all thought “yeah the games have not been that good the last few weeks I am not really enjoying this, this new guy has a point” and then said to Swann L “yup this is the right pitch I am Omar and you’re already wearing a white top great” (Swann L was down to play for whites last week.) Anyhow news reached us that Swann L has COVID this week and we all wish him a speedy recovery and look forward to finally meeting him when he is playing next on another pitch! Right to tonight’s game: Coltart R’s over priced yellow Nike football was finally approved to be used and boy did it deliver a great game! On paper reds looked to have a stronger and younger team and certainly the opening 7/8 minutes were a cagey affair with reds trying to find a break and white holding firm. To everyone’s surprise whites then took the lead and then scored again and then again to take a slightly against the run of play 3-0 lead. A shell shocked reds tried to up their game but could never cut the deficit and left gaps allowing whites to begin to play some real football and attempt the usual over confident shots and passes. Abdul still nursing an injury from a few weeks ago ended up playing most of the game in goal thus weakening Reds attacking options. Opta stats have confirmed that the 6-4 half time score had a split 5-5 assist count. Reds assisted 5 of whites goals and whites assisted 4 of reds goals and somehow assisted one of their own what where they thinking! Second half was a much tighter affair as our muscles and hamstrings tightened and we could not recreate the frantic 10 goal 25mins first half antics! A few harder than usual tackles/clashes and a few dubious calls crept into the second half and the four goals scored did not have the fitness or style of some of the first half ones. I leave you with a reminder to make sure you sign up to play. Only Overlords to the Overlords can not sign up and then state they are playing such as Davies M on the Worthless chat. Campione S then jumped on Davies’s M coattails and requested a playing slot. Such is the relaxed nature of our games that we are always happy to accommodate requests to play and rest assured there will always be space in our game to play and if not Omar or Tyson have got you covered. Good night
Wed, 26/01/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Luke Swann Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	3	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Amr Abulaban Andy Krick Deven Ghelani John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Mike Penkethman Steve Davies	6	Yes it’s back! Like a new coronavirus variant, like a case of gonorrhea that despite multiple doses of penicillin you can’t shake after meeting Olga on that gap year inter railing trip to Eastern Europe, it is roaring back with a vengeance the Worthless AFC match report! It has been too long my apologies but by (un)popular demand I am delighted you can join me again and like your back garden who knows what we’ll find! (Well if your Fred West perhaps not-Ed). First off instructions from the Overlords that Luke Swann should be treated with deity like respect went well as his ethereal presence graced us making it seem like Whites were one man down. In a new format 8 v 9 lined up and it was a great game. In a bid to stop excuses like the ball is too soft or too tough to see in the floodlights or too round Coltart R splurged his whole pocket money’ on a Yellow Nike Premiership Ball only to be told it was too hard and football shape! So we switched to the difficult to see soft white ball! The archaic code of this website prohibits me from inputting the correct score of 3.5 to Whites and 6 to Reds. For the first 5-10 mins Whites were actually two men down and held Reds to a nil nil score with some effective mid field pressing. The game changed with the arrival of Groton O for whites and in the process of the whole team wandering over to Whites goal to say Hi to Groton O this allowed Reds to bundle a goal in. Whites were playing good football but their occasional pass to a red cost them for a second goal and 2-0. Whites then scored a beauty a true five touch goal. Gillespie S rolled the ball out from goal to Calver M who pinged a 55 yard far right pass to Coltart R who controlled, looked up and chipped a lofted deft ball to Red’s back post. Campione S rose like a Salmon connected like a drunk cortortionist and the ball was back in the net….1-2 and game on. However MOTM Davies S rectified matters for Reds by scoring two thunderous goals either side of half time despite Whites half time chat and adopting a totem pole formation for the second half they soon found themselves 4-1 down. Can’t remember Whites second but Whites began to tire with reds exploiting the extra man and a lovely strike by Abulaban A made it 2-5. Controversy ensued as Coltart R thought he had let the ball come out of the red goal area before drilling it into the goal the ball carrying a bundle of diving red players with it but without Baker G to make a ruling and VAR switched off it was half heartedly given but could have been in the area hence the .5 goal. No idea of Reds sixth but Whites final goal was the last kick of the game as a beautifully threaded pass from the back went through several reds reached Calver M who still had to shimmy past some reds and nestle the ball in the back of the net and game over. No idea of pub attendance as I went home to let some air out of my over priced ball and try and reduce the roundness and football appearance for next week! Good night
Wed, 10/11/2021	California Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	11	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Gordon Baker John Park John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Mike Penkethman Steve Davies	4	Penkethman M on the naughty step for failing to turn up! Suitable punishment such as being forced to agree with all of Baker G’s comments on the pitch for a month should prevent this mishap for happening again. In fact he’d never be late/miss another function ever! Reds recruited a young gun for hire wandering around and he looked dangerous for about five mins till a crunching tackle from Gillespie S nullified him and he was in Gillespie S’s pocket for the remainder of the game. The Davieses Theorem (reports passim) was horribly disproven today as LA’s 3 to California’s 1 did nothing to stop California opening up a 10-1 lead after 40mins. It was one of those nights for California where everything worked coupled with so woeful LA defending, tracking, passing and shooting! California could have scored many more but decided to try and hit every part of the goal posts and bar along with taking their foot off the gas in the final 15mins allowing LA to score 3 to California”s 1. California also played some really crisp, selfless football which was great to be a part of. LA imploded with some heated discussions among several members of the team and I’m sure these differences will be rectified in the boozer afterwards! I will double check my dream weaver team picking algorithmic box that spews out the teams is working correctly as on paper those teams were not unbalanced and clearly if Penkethman M had turned up it would have been all square (hmmm-Ed)! Wife’s bday next week so someone else will have to pick up the cherished mantle though as none of you have log in rights (helps when you are executive (to the) chairman!) maybe difficult! Have a good week
Wed, 03/11/2021	California Hugo Fuller Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	7	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Barney Reynolds Gordon Baker John Romeo Nick Warner	6	Back in the day when your Dad said he was free to come and watch your next football match you invariably thought you had to up your game and play well. Making the team was generally a given however Davies M eliminated this banana skin by turning up (with Dad) without signing up to play! Not wanting to make his father watch an imbalanced game (or a balanced one with his son standing next to him) we drafted in a ringer and boy was Bazza treated to an action packed game that should his commentary have graced the game would have been a Netflix Hit! Much of the pre-match build up was focused on the return of Reynolds B and like any great player would he be able to drag his team up one or two notches. The phrase Reynolds Theorem was bandied around. For those of you ignoramuses not familiar with this Theorem the nuts and bolts are the generalisation of the Leibniz Integral Rule which recasts time derivatives of integrated quantities and results in being useful in formulating basic equations of continuum mechanics. And as we all know Reynolds B is nothing if not a continuous mechanical machine of talent! (Went round the houses for that joke-Ed) Reynolds B lost tonight but it wasn’t his fault (reallly?-Ed) he was cursed by the Davieses Theorem which as we all know is “team with most Davieses in it wins” and indeed California had 3 to LA’s 1. California opened up a 5-1 with some cracking goals generally with Davies S either scoring or setting them up. As usual the half term chat in California’s camp was “well played, more of the same and keep in the middle to nullify their weak attacks”. 20mins later having played badly, done of of what they did in the first half and seemingly hugging the walls California found their lead cut to 5-4 and the usual frantic last 20 minutes was almost a game in itself turned into an end to end affair which saw Reynolds B attempt to dribble (with the ball) from one end to the other (while being the LA keeper it should be noted). Back in the day he probably would have scored however discretion is the better part of valour and not wishing to embarrass the rest of us he stopped at the half way line. Anyhow LA could not peg California back and 7-6 it was. Bazza had a pint in the pub and regaled us (or me as I was sat next to him) with some entertaining tennis notes. Role on next week when this report is considering going behind a pay wall OnlyFans perhaps…..