Match Statistics

Date	Team 1	Goals 1	Team 2	Goals 2	Match reports
Wed, 22/02/2023	Bolton Wanderers Gordon Baker John Dawes John Romeo Mark Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan John Park Michael Davies Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart	2	A very strong Bolton team saw a lot of hand-wringing by West Ham before kick off and accusations that once again the guy who picks the teams thinks he is better than he is. However while Bolton brought Abdel into their ranks West Ham picked up Jan. Jan for those of you who dont know often plays in a retro Bayern Munich outfit from the 90s. Those of you (like the guy who picks the teams) also know that Jan is actually fond of wearing the kit (or parts of it) from when he did in fact play for Bayern Munich (albeit their youth team). Jan thankfully negated most of Bolton's onslaught and indeed West Ham managed to take the lead against the run of play. A slight parking of the bus by West Ham (fatigue or tactics is somewhat disputed) then ensued and sadly they could not properly defend a barrage of both long range and short range shots allowing Bolton to score two. However this only energised West Ham who went off in search of an equalizer and duly got it. On the ascendency and sensing a famous win West Ham played some great football only for their talismanic striker to be cynically scythed down by Dawes "Chopper" J. Nursing a bruised ankle resulted in Cuddigan H being less potent than usual and West Ham's attack was somewhat blunted. With a draw looking likely West Ham switched off and allowed Baker G to steamroll down the left side as defenders stood aside and waved (surely attempted to tackle-Ed) and toe-poke a rocket into the back of the net much to the dismay of the part of the west ham team that had not taken part in the great parting by their teammates. Despite the loss West Ham can hold their heads high as in theory they should have been onto the end of a pasting however an inspired Jan assisted team play meant they almost won it.
Wed, 25/01/2023	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Dan Herbert Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	1	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan John Park Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	4	A lot of discussion by the Hammers before the game about needing to win and how to do so was quickly rewarded when we realised we had 9 players! Once again the fiendishly complicated system of log on and tick name website alluded one of the oxbridge crowd. Sadly Bolton noticed too but were quite happy and game to play on to their credit. As with any professional match when one team has superior numbers it generally tells and so it proved in this game as after 15/20mins of the first half with Bolton actually having the better chances a soft West Ham shot fooled Bolton's keeper resulting in momentum shifting to West Ham and Bolton becoming a bit deflated as they realised they had a slight mountain to climb. 7/8mins after the first goal it was 4-0 West Ham and half time. West Ham knew the game was theirs and took their foot of in the second half and while we may claim tactical awareness meant we defended deeply we were probably all a bit tired. Bolton played better and snuck a goal to avoid a niller. Full time and everyone trudged off half not satisfied they one but an extra player and the other half for not getting more from their endeavour.
Wed, 18/01/2023	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Michael Davies Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	10	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Barney Reynolds Hugo Cuddigan John Park Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies	8	Tonight’s game was all about generosity and kindness least on the West Ham teams part as they pretty much assisted Bolton in scoring ten goals! You wonder sometimes what the point of a pre game or half time chat is or indeed are you speaking a different language or some of your team are too proud to acknowledge their hearing is going. Does “play the simple pass”, “the ball moves quicker than you” and “don’t get caught with the ball when the last man” mean something different outside of the W1 postcode?!? Short of bending over West Ham couldn’t have been more accommodating to Bolton and while Bolton scored pre packed gifted goals West Ham had to scrap and craft some great goals to keep up. Highlights of the game were Gillespie S gassing Reynolds B after nonchalantly sizing him up then putting on the after burners. West Ham trying to clear the ball and the West Ham player drilled it against one of his own which then saw the ball ricochet off three other West Ham players and fall right in front of a Bolton player in front of goal. Campione S goal hanging in the first few minutes and get the ball squarely drilled at him by Inglis P. Worth noting it was also very chilly. If West Ham tightened up the basics they would and should have crushed Bolton. Hopefully that will happen soon!
Wed, 11/01/2023	Bolton Wanderers Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Dawes John Romeo Mark Davies Mike Penkethman Saverio Campione Steve Davies	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Anton Bettink Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Rupert Coltart	4	Bit like the Everton board the Worthless Board were advised to stay away from tonight’s game and so Warner N sent a peace offering with 8 Prahvdas (or whatever they are called I don’t drink) at the pub afterwards. As one bright spark intoned “no rush in coming back” Also 8 pints barely quenches Gorton O & Inglis P thirsts’ so a bit ungenerous some might say! Anyhow to tonight’s game and a strong Bolton tested the Hammers who held their own and indeed were ahead for most of the game (like last week). This time was more painful than losing last week as we should have one but somehow capitulated at key moments to allow Bolton back in. Bolton definitely more disciplined in formation unlike the Hammers free flowing formation which some heathens may liken to pre-prep school football but those in the tactical know know otherwise! Special mention to Cuddogan H who almost scored a beauty of a back post header from a delicious cross from Coltart R. Hammers must put in a win soon!
Wed, 04/01/2023	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Harry Harland Hugo Fuller John Dawes John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Saverio Campione	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Hugo Cuddigan Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	2	I blame Hodgson A for this loss as he forgot to remove the magnet in the ball for the second half or at least reverse the one in the crossbar we defended in the second half! West Ham took a comfortable 2-0 half-time lead with some easy play and Bolton never really threatening due to said magnet! Second half West Ham swapped ends and shipped four. As always I write about the biblical event of Moses parting the Red Sea in relation to my team letting the oppo run right down the middle as we all step back and watch! Also very suspect about the score! Everyone tells me it was 4-2 I thought it was 3-2 as I felt bad giving away a soft goal which I thought had allowed Bolton to win but but on working out who scored we knew three of the Bolton goals and then at the last minute Campione S throws up his hands and says he scored an unmemorable goal….no one would dispute the statement merely the fact but in this instance I was apparently wrong!
Wed, 21/12/2022	Bolton Wanderers Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Deven Ghelani Hugo Fuller Mark Davies	5	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Hugo Cuddigan Mike Penkethman Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	4	The last official game of the 2022 year was a balmy 10 degrees which saw 8 Boltoners go up against 7 Hammers. Bolton had youth on their side in the shapes of Dan, Abdel and Stevenson W (a welcome sight) while West Ham had in theory experience and the nous to grind out a win but sadly that was not to be the case for tonight. The reason for the West Ham win was what some might call an early Christmas miracle. Let me explain. I’ve been playing Worthless football for roughly 15yrs now and as sure as night follows day there is this one player whichever sides he is on without fail patrols the right side for his team. If you did a heat map of his game it would be two bright red sausage shapes of the edges of the pitch (due to swapping of ends at half time otherwise it would be a nuclear crimson sausage of one side!). I guess he sees himself as a slightly better looking Dani Alves! When he’s on the ball his most common phrase when he looks up is “come on someone make a run, move!” No one has the heart to tell him that if he looked up 7 seconds earlier he would have seen the runs and moves! His pub chat seems to revolve around his love of shooting a crossbow while rowing pretty dull but each to their own I guess! Anyhow I digress in the Hammers pre game chat we realised it was going to be a tough game (Coltart R again assuming he is better than he actually is in picking the teams!) and if we marked everyone but said right full back we may stand a chance. Clearly Bolton had a man in the huddle! The game started with some nifty passing by both sides as they tried to work out the other teams weaknesses and soon Bolton realised if they went out wide right they had an extra man and tonight that man had come to play football. Davies Mark (for it is he!) then picked up the ball and cut in field?!? This completely bamboozled the regular West Ham players and what’s more he then shot! Three times this occurred and three times Davies Mark scored. Now you can only play the team put in front of you and not wishing to rain on Boltons parade a special mention must go to Penkethman M who did the whole first half in goal for the Hammers. If he thought this would aid his team resolutely defending the goal he was sadly mistaken. I can only assume under his beanie he had his airpods in and was listening to a podcast on cultural differences between Gaelic and Eastern European folk dancing as whenever a shot came towards him he hopped, slid or pirouetted away from the ball allowing it to trickle in. 4-1 at half time and West Ham realised they needed a slight change of plan and this guy Davies Mark needed to be Mark(ed). Bolton probably took their foot a little of the gas as West Ham clawed it back to 5-4 so technically a 3-1 second half victory! In the pub afterwards Davies Mark was trying to stir up interest for an unofficial game next week presumably with the self belief that another hat trick was in the offing! Sorry Mark Christmas miracles only happen once a year! Merry Christmas everyone!
Wed, 14/12/2022	Bolton Wanderers Anton Bettink Ben Donald Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione	3	West Ham United Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart	6	Another strange game where it was 3-3 at half time then Bolton fell asleep and West Ham scored three unanswered goals in the second half. Only goal I can remember is Penkethman M desperate to get on the score sheet cooly slotting home from close range. Trouble was it was his own goal! Roll on next week
Wed, 07/12/2022	Bolton Wanderers Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Michael Davies Ricky Gill Saverio Campione Steve Davies	0	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	0	A bit like Chris Kamara I haven’t got a Scoobie Doo what happened in the game and I was there! Could have been a billion all or half a point to nil for some inexplicable reason can’t remember. Have asked Davies M (Mark not Mike) to see if he wrote anything down with his quill on his parchment! I do remember a no show by Gill R based on Warner N deciding not to play and that we started very late and pulled both goals in for a little bit of four a side until the rest showed up. All a bit chaotic much like this report which perhaps is why I didn’t really remember it! Will update if updated!
Wed, 30/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Anton Bettink Ben Donald Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Saverio Campione	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Oliver Gorton Rupert Coltart	8	Paternal love as many of us know can occur and be displayed in many different ways and tonight’s demonstration was very subtle. Slightly depleted on players both teams looked to the WAFC youth squad for players and roped in a couple (or cadre) of Campiones playing against their Dad this week and Romeo Jnr earning his second cap trying to rekindle his sparkling partnership with his father that brought a memorable goal (and a win? - check notes Ed) a few weeks ago. A reappearance by Abdel for whites after a long hiatus was also good to see. The game started as usual when the youngsters are involved at a frenetic pace coupled with Abdel’s signature mazey runs and skill something Coltart R can only dream of replicating! The only mazey runs he is aware of require a loo to be close at hand! At such a pace goals were inevitable and half time found both sides unable to be split at 4 a piece. However the second half was a completely different story and the Hammers scored four unanswered goals and looked like they were in complete control. Yet we weren’t by any stretch which really puzzled this seasoned WAFC commentator. It wasn’t until I watched the reruns of the game several times (the games are recorded? - Ed) that I noticed the real reason for the victory and how deftly it was achieved. Whether it was conscious or subconscious Campione S at some point decided nothing would make his sons happier than a win and so (selflessly some might say)(WHO? - Ed) decided that he would ease up his usual Messi-esque (surely just messy - Ed) play for Bolton in the second half in a quest for a Hammers win. It was very cleverly done; the odd mispass, the slow tracking, the mishit in front of goal the pretending not to know who he’s marking in the midst of a game difficult to spot but on reflection and reviewing footage showed a true master deliberately (mis)crafting his skill for the benefit of his sons. That’s the definition of paternal love! See you all next week
Wed, 23/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Anton Bettink Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	4	No Coltart R faffing around at the back giving a goal away meant Reds were able to secure the win. Another close game which was heading to a draw until a fortuitous rebound off the roof goal (one of the three Worthless specialised permitted goals in the rule book along with headers in the box and democratic voting on spectacular volleys or own goals in the box, this one was last called into use in the 2007 Winter of discontent season) scored by Davies P who pretty much mis-hit the ball intending for a (in his dreams) on the turn curling top left wrong footed shot but either way beat an up till then difficult to beat Baker G. Roll on next week
Wed, 16/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Dan Herbert Hugo Cuddigan John Dawes Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	Second week running Coltart R got caught with the ball and was the last man (before the keeper) for reds resulting in whites scoring. this time Romeo J took the ball of him and a neat back pass set up the on rushing Davies S who duly scored. Clearly if this hadn’t happened Reds would have won instead they found themselves chasing the game which is always more stressful and tedious.
Wed, 09/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Anton Bettink Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	5	Another close exciting game and credit must go to the guy who picks the teams….me! Anyhow Coltart R turned up 6mins late to find Bolton had taken advantage of the extra man by scoring. Considering this unsporting and at full strength West Ham quickly levelled. It is much easier to remember your own teams goals than the opposition’s so apologies Bolton will take better note. Two of West Ham’s goals were quick breakaways that resulted in their final player receiving the ball with back to goal. On both occasions they were able to hold the ball up and tee it up for an on rushing team mate to drill it home. It was slick! Some entertaining (read dubious) handball and foul calls kept us all on our toes. I would say none of us are skilful enough to deliberately handball and due to lack of skill the odd mistimed tackle happens. My advice don’t get near anyone when playing including your own teammate!
Wed, 02/11/2022	Bolton Wanderers Barney Reynolds Ben Donald Gordon Baker Harry Harland Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Hugo Cuddigan John Dawes Michael Davies Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Steve Davies	1	No idea of the score as I wasn’t playing but I understand it was a moist game!
Wed, 26/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Hugo Fuller John Romeo Saverio Campione	5	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Anton Bettink Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	5	Like the Conservative party the WAFC committee are going to start making up the rules and require 100 members to vote to allow a Fuller daughter to play in goal in future as they are frankly too good and fearless for our games! As mentioned in a previous report Evie and Violet threw themselves all over the place and while 10 goals in a game seems a lot if it had been a usual game it would have been load more as none of us dive or hurl ourselves about. The reason for the higher than usual shots on goal is due to the additional players aged under 20 who ran the regulars ragged with their end to end box running and crisp passing and shooting. Reds had two young Campiones going up against their father along with one of their friends and Whites had Romeo Jnr playing with his father. Whites also had a ringer who wore a red top with a mini fluorescent bib thereby not confirming to either strip but that didn’t seem to bother him but was definitely annoying for reds. Goals of note were a Romeomdouble act with son steaming down one side drilling a cross along the ground for Dad to arrive a thump in. Another was a one two with two of the younger reds doing some one two play down one side culminating in a high cross for the on rushing Frederic to leap and head in. At one point reds were 5-2 down but rallied to draw. Thanks to everyone for a fun and enjoyable game.
Wed, 12/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Amr Abulaban Anton Bettink Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Harry Harland Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Steve Davies	4	Injuries sustained early on by Steve Davies (back) and late by Pete Davies (hamstring) serve as a chilling reminder on this clement evening that we (the royal variety) are not as young as we used to be...and that, in general, players should take a leaf out of Inglis's's's's book in terms of amount of energy spent shouting at others versus that spent in actual physical activity.
Wed, 05/10/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Dan Herbert Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	5	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	Wore my lucky shirt and of course we lost! Firstly a debate took place if we should play 6 v 6 and move the goals in or rope in two ringers. We roped in two ringers. While neither were rapid one could play football and was signed by Bolton. The other claimed he could play football. Perhaps he meant Subbuteo or table football as the newly signed Daniel for the Hammers seemed to be channeling his best impression of a woeful and ineffective Cuddigan H! He goal hung, didn’t track back, perhaps was blind as his vision for the easy ball was non existent and every time he mis-controlled or got hit by the ball rolled around on the floor! Now while some of you may say that is a good impression of Cuddigan H the fundamental and crucial difference was that Cuddigan H scores the odd goal. Daniel couldn’t score in a brothel even if we paid all the girls in the house of sin! To be fair the Hammers to a man left their shooting boots at home. Hammers had more possession and almost five times as many shots as Bolton yet we didn’t win. Could be a worrying season if the Hammers don’t start scoring. Opening goal was a strange one. Coltart R received the ball about five yards from his own goal. Feeling a little bit of pressure from the Bolton striker and nothing clear in front of him he no looked passed back to his keeper. Trouble was the Hammers keeper was not in his goal. Instead he was playing left back in a 3-2-2 formation the sum of that formation negating a keeper! Don’t think I have ever scored an own goal till tonight! Second goal was a lovely back heel volley from Davies S on the edge of the Hammers area after some lovely work down the right side for Bolton culminating in a deft chip,to Davies S to back heel volley in. Can’t remember the third goal but the scoring went 3-0, 3-1,3-2, 4-2,4-3,5-3. If it had been shots on goal as a metric for the result it would have been as mentioned above 107-7 the Hammers. Must start scoring! Good game played in a fair spirit too. Roll on next week
Wed, 28/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Mike Penkethman Nick Warner Simon Gillespie	3	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Dan Herbert Hugo Cuddigan Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	6	Not sure of last weeks score but for me playing this was the Hammers first win. A dominant performance with West Ham basically coughing up goals to allow Bolton a chance to get back in. Some nice Bolton goals in particular a solo Warner N run from the half way line after a crazy pass attempt by one Hammer player but Warner still had to go round several Hammers and drilled the ball into the goal rolling back the years to his clinical finishing when younger. Hammers goals were all disciplined team playing. Was wearing my 2022/2023 long sleeve Hammer shirt. Could this be this seasons lucky shirt for me?
Wed, 14/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione Steve Davies	4	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	We was robbed! To a man that is what every Hammers player said as they left the pitch some perhaps with better grammar but the gist was clear. A stronger looking Bolton side never really got going yet somehow managed to win. Is that the sign of a good team? Either way the Hammers went 2-0 and just like last week the first goal was a contender for goal of the season. Some nifty play down the Hammers left side by one of their players drew several Bolton defenders towards him. A glance up saw Cuddigan H in the middle of the park 15 yards from goal. Pretending to go down the line Coltart R (for it is he) executed a no look side pass into the path of the on rushing Cuddigan H who without stopping laced the ball into the top left ricocheting off the cross bar and in. A (mis-placed) confidence swept through the Hammers and as mentioned above they went 2-0 up at half time. Second half I have blocked out but suffice to say the score went 2-1, 3-1 then last 10 mins the Hammers pretended they had never played football or just switched off to ship 3 simple goals. The pub nearly had a full complement of both teams but as someone intoned only people whose surnames start with “D” and end in “avies “ were only 25% in attendance! Am away next week so anyone wishing to cover this send an email to completedrivel@worthless.com for the login deets.
Wed, 07/09/2022	Bolton Wanderers Amr Abulaban Anton Bettink Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Nick Warner Saverio Campione	8	West Ham United Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Harry Harland Mike Penkethman Oliver Gorton Rupert Coltart Steve Davies	6	Welcome back to the start of the new 2022/23 Worthless AFC season as Bolton Wanderers takes on West Ham Utd (formerly known as Ironworks FC) for the Cuddigan-Warner Trophy (memo to WAFC bank to purchase something befitting of the club before the end of the season try Argos first). After a small bit of transfer re-jigging the teams took to the pitch under the spotlights of the hallowed Astro-turf of the Westway sports centre pitch 4. Just like the Premiership the standard of opening season games has got better and better and indeed there was no evidence of rustiness or a 9 week layoff. The game started at a good pace which will be interesting to see if it can be maintained throughout the season! It was fitting that such a good start to the game demanded a good opening goal and boy goal of the season has already been decided! Despite a fairly even game West Ham managed to get every player to touch the ball bar Coltart R (a sign of thing to come?) from there own goal edge all the way down the pitch to Hodgson A who received a bouncing ball some 20yds (Hodgson A says 50yds but that would be the next pitch!0 out from goal and just unleashed a short that flew into the top left corner a true wonder goal that he probably could not repeat if he tried again. Indeed he definitely can’t currently as after he took his boots off after the game it transpired he has broken his big toe (fractured at least) after such a powerful shot. Anyhow 1-0 up West Ham were buoyed up and pushed on to make it 2-0. Seemingly in cruise mode the usual Worthless curse struck of over confidence and soon after some silly mistakes and poor decisions West Ham found themselves 4 goals down at 6-2. But just like a usual WAFC game the curse always seems to strike the team ahead and soon West Ham had pulled it back to 6-5 but you guessed it they fell asleep and probably fatigue allowed Bolton to pull back ahead to 8-5 before West Ham got a late goal to make it 8-6 but still lost. Overall though a 14 goal game in 55mins is quite fun everyone agreed and bodes well for the season ahead. Due to the usual price increase at the pub most people stuck to drinks and indeed this author discovered that the lime and soda pint is only £2!!!! That is the way forward. Next week we’ll observe a minute’s silence for the Queen’s passing. RIP Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and long live the King! it should be noted that Hodgson A broke his big toe on his standing not striking foot and indeed it was not caused by the wonder goal but by a blunder tackle he did later in the game and in fact both his feet seem to be a little sore apparently. Big girl’s blouse!
Wed, 15/06/2022	California Hugo Fuller Mike Penkethman Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Vatche Manoukian	2	Los Angeles Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan John Park Mark Davies Michael Davies	2	Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me as Manoukian V pulled out again from the game at the last minute and while it wasn’t a massage this time the excuse was somewhat wishy washy. This coupled with some transfer market antics saw Reds picking up the free agent Sol Inglis and in a straight swap Davies S moved to reds and his brother Davies M came onboard for Whites. Whites still lined up one man down 6 v 7. Now those of,you who know Sun Tzu’s the art of war will be aware of his quote “if equally matched we can offer battle; if slightly inferior in numbers we can avoid the enemy and if quite unequal in every way we can flee from him” This was White’s pre-game chat as we realised with a man down we would have to work harder and if we found ourselves evenly numbered somewhere on the pitch try and attack, if a man down play the ball back start again and if completely outnumbered somewhere on the pitch just run away with the ball! And you know what this mantra worked and Whites were disciplined and stuck to it. Sun Tzu would have been proud as whites showed the same character as the battle of rorke’s drift and the battle of Rezang La combined! (I’ll let you look them up and not ruin the surprise). Reds took the lead with a rare moment of sloppy play from whites. Half time though whites were only 1-0 down and full of confidence that they had had some chances and contained reds by pushing them out wide and giving them no space in the middle to operate despite the extra man. Whites soon levelled from the restart when Campione S hit a deceptively cheeky shot from an acute angle which confused Red’s keeper who had come out thinking a cross was imminent and left his near post unguarded and the ball rolled in. To be honest I think it confused Campione S and most of whites too! Anyhow buoyed at levelling whites were resolute in their defence and kept trying to catch reds on the counter attack. Fatigue began to kick in though and reds had more chances which resulted in a second for them. Whites were not done though and a truly sublime half volley with the ball rising saw Campione S again (bit like London buses-Ed) level for whites. Last few frantic minutes saw whites hang on. The last two plays saw Cuddigan H nearly win it for Reds but a finger tipped save by the white’s keeper ricocheted onto the crossbar and fall to Fuller H who went on a mazey run beating every red player and almost scoring bar a last ditch tackle from Red’s defender and keeper. Final whistle and a jubilant white team and a dejected red team as one red described the game as a “morale” victory for whites and indeed it was. A lung busting performance by the six whites! Anyhow in the pub afterwards it was discovered that some of the reds were pre-game doping for extra performance with neurofen no less! I’ll let you try and work out which reds player(s) were playing above their usual,potential! But as one other pub goer pointed out worthless is a bit like the 1980s Tour de France with Lance Armstrong…..we’re all doping to raise our game to the high bar that is Wednesday night worthless football! Heaven help us if we stop what would our game be like! Anyhow two games left of the season and hopefully our turn out will be worthy of the two matches.
Wed, 08/06/2022	California Harry Harland Hugo Fuller Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Simon Gillespie	5	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Amr Abulaban Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies Michael Davies Steve Davies	2	Zidane, Ronaldo, Messi & Davies M (Mark not Mike) all players who are lynchpins for their respective teams, players who owners/managers build squads around. Players whose impact on the pitch galvanise their teams to victory. And so when Davies M (Mark not Mike) decided he wanted to walk his dogs (Pedigrees?-Ed) Wednesday evening an hour before ko the remaining 15 players knew which team had secured the victory. Without Davies M (Mark not Mike) mesmeric right sided runs Reds were dead in the water. On paper though reds were still slightly stronger but as we all know a team is only as good as it’s cohesion and tonight white to a man ran, past and shot as one unit. A mixture of doing the simple and complicated stuff at the right time along with a high (lack of) fitness level saw whites camp in the own half and lure reds in to then hit them on the break. The break was usually two or three players at most. Reds laboured without the mazey (surely off balance-Ed) runs of Davies M (Mark not Mike). Whites were always two goals ahead and never in danger of being caught. In the pub one grizzled veteran observed that he often felt he was a decoy runner for the rest of his red team….perhaps they are trying to tell you something! Anyhow two games left of the season roll on!
Wed, 01/06/2022	California Hugo Fuller Paddy Inglis Rupert Coltart Sol Inglis	6	Los Angeles Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies	5	The future of Worthless football looks to be in safe hands as 5 youngsters from 3 regular worthless Dads rolled up to play in tonight's 5 v 5 game. The goals were brought closer together which resulted in much hand wringing from Cuddigan H who wondered how he was going to be able to effectively goal hang! The white team consisted of Evie Fuller in goal in an all blue kit with Inglis P and Fuller H in defence leaving a dynamic duo of Sol Inglis and Benedict Campione up front. The red team had the slightly elder team with Violet Fuller in goal with a defence of Freddy Campione and Coltart R with Cuddigan H and Davies M powering the attack. The game started (late as usual) with both teams working out the pitch dimensions as well as working out their team's strengths. Turned out anyone over 40 had no strengths (just delusions) so relied on the youngsters in their teams to win them the game. Most of Whites play went through either Sol or Benedict who mainly tormented reds down the wings. As a result this left open the middle of the field for Freddy to occupy and be the link for Reds between defence and attack. Both Evie and Violet were fearless in goal happy to throw themselves on the ground and dive about unfortunately getting the odd scrap and pitch burn. At half-time they both had a good giggle comparing injuries. This is in stark contrast to the usual Wednesday game where any cut/burn is usually accompanied by a loud yelp and said injured person needs to show everybody the miniscule graze they have. Anyhow the general pattern was whites taking the lead with reds catching them up. Some lovely goals from Sol and Benedict along with perhaps better fitness began to stretch Reds despite Freddy's best efforts and stepovers (sound familiar?) However at 5-4 a darting run by Coltart R with a deft off load to Cuddigan H who slotted home allowed Whites to level with a minute or so to go. The goal sparked wild celebrations and a pitch invasion of fans or so Coltart R thought turned out it was just the next game sneaking onto the pitch and warming up! A minute to go and the ball fell to Coltart R who drifted off to the corner trying to run down the clock for an admirable draw and perhaps extra time and penalties only for Sol to nip the ball off him and wander down the pitch and score with the last kick of the game. Too much faffing by Coltart R. Anyhow an enjoyable and surprisingly tiring game as on a smaller pitch there is nowhere to hide and it is continuous running. Many thanks to Evie, Violet, Benedict, Freddy and Sol for turning out and allowing their Dads a little bit of much needed weekly exercise. Hopefully another opportunity for the game to be replayed (and reds get revenge with less faffing) will present itself soon.
Wed, 25/05/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Michael Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Simon Gillespie Vatche Manoukian	2	Los Angeles Ben Donald Harry Harland Hugo Cuddigan John Park Mark Davies Nick Warner Steve Davies	2	Speed, finesse, vision & skill all words to be used to describe tonight's game of football.... being played on the pitch next to us. Tonight's Worthless game though will go down in the club an(n)als as an entertaining if disjointed affair. Firstly yours truly must apologise for not heeding one's advice by often barracking people in this forum for turning up without signing up to play and doing exactly that this evening. Coupled with my one mate Manoukian V who messaged me in the week saying he wanted to play mistook my text reply of "you're in" as book yourself a massage instead (something I guess only Warner N may be able to relate to as a possible game conflict)! On the assumption I was down to play and thinking we were one short I started a panic of trying to find someone at 6pm. Step forth Baker G who agreed to play in goal. However when we all rocked up we were 8 v 7 due to my incompetence! For those of you too bored to read further about the game you can get a feel for it by knowing Baker G disappeared to the pub at half time! One thing I never quite understand is the start time of 8pm. I am pretty sure that means we have the pitch at 8pm as I rolled up at 8.02pm to find numerous people arriving after me. Come on folks yes the car park is free from 8pm but you get a couple of minutes grace say from 7.56pm onwards so lets try and get as long a game as possible as we certainly get kicked off at 9pm! However to tonight's game. The ball was sponsored by the charity Alive and Kicking which produces footballs made it Africa and sold around the world. We were using their new synthetic ball which is a game changer from their leather ones and I thought the ball moved and played perfectly. A shame the ball was not mirrored in both team's performances! As I said above the game was fun and a lot of running was done by everyone. I think the amusing thing was several people throughout the first half said "looks like we a re heading for a niller (or a 0-0) tonight" as try (or not) as both teams might they couldn't be effective in the final third and put the ball in the back of the net. With Baker G in goal Whites had the extra player so had more of the ball but feeling that they had the player superiority did the usual (mainly Coltart R) faffing around and pretty football and trying to almost walk the ball into the net. It took a breakaway by Reds led by Park J who from the right side of the pitch sent the most exquisite cross (literally I would have been proud of that cross he could try that a billion times and never replicate it!) which was met equally impressively with a header into the goal by Harland H. Feeling sorry for Whites Cuddigan H who was in goal for Reds then let the ball trickle into his goal to level the game. With Baker G departing at half time Whites were worried but that fear was misplaced as while both teams had shots (albeit it wide of the goal) it never felt like one team would win. A goal each in the second half and 2-2 it finished. Am away next week with numbers already looking low perhaps a call out to the masses!
Wed, 04/05/2022	California Charlie Morgan Harry Harland Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Steve Davies	4	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Deven Ghelani Gordon Baker John Park Martin Calver Mike Penkethman Nick Warner	4	To win or not to win that was really the question whites faced tonight. Did Coltart R score the winner in the 92mins or had reds stopped playing. No one knows but Whites on balance should have won it but some stoic red defending led by Pendragon M very (dim) distant relative of Arthur Pendragon “King of the Britains” and small stakeholder of Pendragon Car dealership (Glamorgan lot) frustrated whites. Worth noting tonight’s game was 7 v 7 and was a lot more relaxed and enjoyable than perhaps the 8 v 8 line ups. The game started with a quick piece of transfer business as Harland H moved to reds as Ghelani D moved to Whites. At kick off Harland H showed his best Balotelli M impression as he struggled to put his new red shirt on for a few minutes! Reds anyhow scored the first two goals as poor Campione S was deceived by the speed and direction of two long range shots that looked like top corner zingers but were in fact pea rollers straight at him! Whites managed to level though for 2-2 at half time. Second half again reds pulled ahead but thankfully whites managed in between their pretty but ineffective play to score two simple goals. No pub for me but roll on next week.
Wed, 27/04/2022	California Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	3	Los Angeles Alexander Hodgson Deven Ghelani Gordon Baker Hugo Cuddigan Mark Davies Martin Calver Mike Penkethman Steve Davies	7	“An inflated pig’s bladder, an inflated pig’s bladder, my kingdom for an inflated pig’s bladder. A boar’s one would do too I suppose”. Historians know that Shakespeare ripped off Richard III’s true words as he wandered around Bosworth Field looking for a ball and indeed a pick up game with the Tudors which unfortunately due to a rough tackle and no Baker G to officiate resulted in the Battle of Bosworth field and his ultimate demise! Coltart R was muttering something similar Wednesday night as he wandered onto the pitch and realised his fellow 15 players did not bring a ball or a pump. Thankfully he found a flat ball which the Westway receptionist deflated further until she finally relented and allowed him behind the reception desk to inflate the ball! Perhaps we need a Worthless Whip around to buy a ball or two and a pump so we don’t rely on the usual suspects! What Richard III didn’t need and probably didn’t give a poop about is a 22 foot telescopic pole (perhaps he needed a lance!) to prod the ball off the roof netting which to be honest if it wasn’t there would not effect the game as much. Anyhow to tonight’s game: Reds certainly we’re the stronger team however a quick team talk by Whites at the start (8.15pm) and indeed a vague formation and plan saw whites take a 2-1 halftime lead through a couple of quick counter attack goals. Whites halftime talk focused on reds two strikers Calver M and Cuddigan H. The plan was to double mark Calver M and allow Cuddigan H to roam free and thereby get most of reds passes directed to him which whites then thought they could either tackle or push him out wide thus negating any potential goal threat. The other (usual) tactic discussed was play it simple and no silly passes. Well what do you think happened? Yup a few over eager white passes (to reds) saw Whites suddenly 5-2 down and then Cuddigan H executed a striker masterclass to twice beat Coltart R with two unstoppable shots bottom right and top left. He also earlier made two great saves in goal to stop whites getting back into the game. Second half score was 5-1 reds to therefore make the final score 7-3 to reds. In the pub afterwards the red players acknowledged the graft whites put in to take the lead in the first half and also saluted the mistakes in the second half to gift them the win! There was then a discussion about whether fondling someone’s testicles or shaking their hand was the best way to detect possible atrial fibrillation! One is certainly easier we determined! I’ll bring a couple of balls to fondle next week and as I can no longer wear my Schalke top due to their unfortunate sponsor I have purchased a Real Madrid too which will hopefully inspire me and my teams play!