Match Statistics

Date	Team 1	Goals 1	Team 2	Goals 2	Match reports
Wed, 06/11/2019	Belgium Alexander Hodgson Ed Marsh Gordon Baker Harry Harland James Walters Mark Davies Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis	5	Zaire Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller James Arbib Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Sameer Godbole	5	Stamford Bridge had nothing on this end to end fiesta of football. Zaire were Belgium as they were coasting 2-1 ahead ten minutes into the game when their talismaniac striker Cuddigan H injured himself in a reflex top left corner save tipping the ball over the bar (really? I don't quite remember the events like that-Ed) and left the pitch thereby leaving Zaire a man short. However they were not to be oppressed and while Belgium equalised and took the lead Zaire to a man keep working across the pitch and kept pegging Belgium back. To be fair stats will show that Zaire had more one on one chances and perhaps like Ajax the evening before might feel slightly aggrieved they did not pinch it. Almost every goal was special too. Several top left and rights, one in off the side post, a nutmeg this game really had it all. TIll next week!
Wed, 30/10/2019	Belgium Andy Krick Gordon Baker Mark Davies Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Saverio Campione Tristan Gervais	4	Zaire Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller John Romeo Michael Davies Richard Aseme Rupert Coltart	5	It may have been 4-3 but either way Zaire sneaked it. Winter is coming as on the first chilly night of this season a scrappy game unfolded much like the one happening 220 miles away at Anfield. It was always going to take one player to drag their team to victory and thankfully for Zaire tonight it was Fuller H. At the start of the game the self styled guv'nor of Zaire Aseme R instructed "his" team to play quick simple two or three touch football and pass to the nearest team mate as quickly as possible. One quiet Zaireian (possible made that word up!-Ed) just listened and looked contemptuously at Aseme R. Fuller H was not going to be shackled by such an amateur plan for him it was a night all about one touch and even no touch football. Simple passes were banished as he showed off his long range passing skills from both his left foot and right foot. Granted the pass may have just gone to space but that was not his fault his teammates just lacked vision.....when through on goal with no one around but Gorton O to beat he was too embarrassed to score and so just tapped the ball softly to Gorton O and only once all of Belgium were back behind the ball and he had his back to their goal did he show his true skill as he effortlessly pivoted and while marginally off balance drilled the ball low and true between both sets of players into the bottom left corner. When in goal he knew his team needed to improve and stay alert without him playing outfield so a series of clever distributions to either the teammate surrounded by the largest number of Belgium players or again a simple lob to a Belgium player kept his teammates on their toes and ensured the victory. A shining performance of true player-management without saying a word....effortless by a master!
Wed, 09/10/2019	Belgium Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Gordon Baker Mark Davies Mike Penkethman Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Sameer Godbole	2	Zaire Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Michael Davies Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	4	The old adage “team with more Davies wins” as one side had 2 and one 1. Oddly the score was double their numbers (or was it 5 v 3) suggesting the rest of us could have stayed at home in this mirror result (what do you mean?-Ed). Anyhow in a scrappy affair it always takes one person to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and own it. That one man was Cuddigan H and he played for Zaire. Despite Belgium targeting this danger man with fouls and heckles Cuddigan H kept his composure to register two goals and at least one assist Already over taking his stats from last season! What inspired him can only be attributed to his replica £3.97 Brazil socks. Based on this the rest of the team has had a whip around to get him some Brazil replica shorts! Regrettably the £2.83 raised will only get us a child’s pair but even this should bring about some improvement if only aerodynamically. However children should probably not watch the games now just in case......am off for some high-intensity beach training so will leave the honour of scribbling this self-indulgent nonsense to someone else. I liked last week’s report very succinct and minimalist!
Wed, 25/09/2019	Belgium Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Gordon Baker Mark Davies Nick Warner Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Saverio Campione	3	Zaire Barney Reynolds Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Pete Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	0	Sometimes seeking independence is not a good idea and Zaire demonstrated that with a woeful performance. It was certainly my worst game for a long time. Belgium were just hungrier than Zaire and ran and hustled. Zaire didn’t do themselves any favours. As Belgium broke towards the Zaire goal, Zaire decided a change of keeper was the best idea rather than defending or shutting down the onrushing Belgium player allowing a soft goal to be conceded. Zaire could have been on the pitch all night and still probably not scored even if Belgium had been in the pub! More structure needed from Zaire otherwise going to be a tough season ahead. New kits look good thou fingers crossed they don’t shrink in the wash. Why not buy XLs!
Wed, 18/09/2019	Belgium Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Mark Davies Martin Calver Oliver Gorton Paddy Inglis Richard Aseme Saverio Campione	3	Zaire Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller James Arbib Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Simon Gillespie	7	On paper tonight’s teams looked relatively balanced however Belgium chose not to turn up while Zaire smarting from last week’s loss did and in style. All over the pitch Zaire dominated and every player ran, tracked back and played the simple pass. Belgium took the lead which was their only highlight but half time saw them 5-1 down. Roll on independence!
Wed, 11/09/2019	Belgium Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Gordon Baker Mark Davies Nick Warner Oliver Gorton Saverio Campione	4	Zaire Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Hugo Fuller James Arbib Pete Davies Rupert Coltart	3	Welcome back to the Worthless match reports. I know they are an integral part to the entire Worthless family's week! I trust everyone had a good summer. This season's teams have a colonial theme of Belgium v Zaire. It was fitting therefore that the first match of the season reflected colonial struggles as Zaire thought they had broken free of the imperial shackles and won the game only to be ruthlessly pegged back by their Belgian overlords and suppressed into a 4-3 defeat. Zaire took the lead with a nifty side foot strike from a rebound off the wall by their reserve player Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim basically he had a three letter name). Belgium equalised through some poor defending. Half time 1-1. Second half a glorious right foot top left curl by Coltart R after some nifty inter-play with Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim, Alf etc) with the final pass being a nut meg through Baker G's legs. Belgium's second was true imperialism as Warner N struck the ball into the roof of the Westway which then rebounded into Zaire's goal. Belgium then went ahead 3-2 only for Zaire to claw one back through some ricochet football off pretty much every player. Despite having more chances and more of the ball Zaire switched off and Belgium snuck it. Oh well at least the atmosphere in the pub was a fun catch-up with everyone and Gorton O ordered the chicken ciabatta which he last had in 2016. Ironically the dish did look like it had come from 2016 too! Next week is a new chapter see you all then!
Wed, 12/06/2019	Paraguay Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	6	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	3	The season came to an inglorious end for Uruguay. They did themselves no favours by seeming to play more stuck in the mud or dodgeball rather than football. Paraguay were very attack minded from the start and with Warner N and Messers Davies (P&S) along with a roaming Cuddigan H they kept the ball for long spells in the first half in Uruguay’s half. This enabled them to take a 4-0 lead into half time. No sparkling goals that I can recall. Uruguay’s half-time chat lead by Baker G attempted to rally the demoralised troops and soon they had scored 2 goals (both Coltart R with some generous assistance from Gillespie S) and a sniff of getting back into the game appeared. However reports passim show that Uruguay let soft goals in and suddenly forget how to pass and this game was no different allowing Paraguay to score two goals before Hodgson A pulled one back which was too little too late. Reviewing the season though shows a lot of close games which is thanks in part to the team picking skills of the powers in charge and very few one sided results. These reports while perhaps biased and one sided helpful remind me of the fun had during the games. Season 23 will soon be upon us so get your warm weather high altitude training into gear and have a great summer. New teams and strips to be announced within the next 3 months!
Wed, 05/06/2019	Paraguay Alexander Hodgson Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	3	Uruguay Deven Ghelani Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mark Davies Richard Aseme Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	5	The penultimate match of the season was an 8 v 8 affair. Hodgson A was a little at sea as he found himself playing for Paraguay tonight. His first touch was a deft control and then an equally nice second touch saw his pass thread the Uruguayan defence however none of his team mates had seen the visionary pass so it trickled through to Uruguay's keeper. A Paraguayan player was heard muttering "that's not how we do it on this side". What "it" was can only be speculated....perhaps win?!? Uruguay seemed to always be ahead (somehow) and when Aseme R pulled up hamstrung and forced to leave the pitch it was 4-2 to Uruguay. The last fifteen minutes saw an onslaught from Paraguay as they tried to take advantage of the extra man. They snuck one back to 4-3 and nearly drew level but somehow Uruguay in the last minute counter-attacked and scored. Campione S nearly scored a blinder of a goal. As the ball was passed to him he let it roll through his legs fooling everyone. He turned, caressed the ball with his left foot and then........realised he was in goal that the ball was about to slow mo into his goal and collapsed on the ball just in front of the goaline. Huge relief from Uruguay and probably from Paraguay too that the blunder goal had been averted. He would not have lived that down! Next weeks final match means two things. Who will be Champions of Pitch 7 at the Westway Sports Centre & free grub at the pub after. I know which reason I am playing for......
Wed, 22/05/2019	Paraguay Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme	3	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mark Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Tristan Gervais	0	Oh well it was bound to happen to Uruguay sooner or later. It was my first time. Not as enjoyable as my other first time! Tonight Uruguay were unable to penetrate Paraguay and therefore succumbed to the indignity of a niller. Opening 20mins was pretty even with both sides having shots on goal. It took a lovely piece of skill and a short solo run by Aseme R to open the scoring with a solid shot. Uruguay tried to respond but whoever was in goal for Paraguay kept it out knowingly or not! While I can’t remember who hit it, Paraguay’s second goal was a moment where the world slowed down. It was a great sliced mis-kick by someone on the right side of the pitch that just began spinning so slowly and trickled past pretty much all the Uruguay’s players who were collectively going Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (that’s enough o’s-Ed) and somehow nestled (slowly) in the bottom left corner of the post. Uruguay sensed that perhaps this was not their night and so switched from instead of winning to just scoring to avoid the niller and they thought they had until Cuddigan H clarified that Worthless rule 7.4 subsection 3 paragraph 6 line 5 clearly states “no player is allowed to shoot at goal inside the opponent’s goal area. A shot within this area become null and void even if it hits the opponent’s goalie and goes in. That does not become an own goal. The only exceptions are headers and possibly volleys but that will be determined by whichever team shouts louder or if Baker G is playing in which case he decides.” Long sentence! Paraguay’s third goal was a simple neat pass around the pitch by which time Uruguay were a little tired to care! I’ve finally made it in life as well as at the pub they gave me a free bowl of french fries thereby turning the pain of a niller into euphoria and an expanding waistline! Half term next week means half the players so 3 v 3 is expected!
Wed, 08/05/2019	Paraguay Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Mark Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Paddy Inglis Steve Davies Tristan Gervais	3	Uruguay Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Martin Calver Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	3	If someone asked me to sum up tonight’s game in three words I would say dull, boring and static. I would then say I was lying and in fact the game was the total opposite and an end to end classic. Europe this week has witnessed multiple “greatest games ever” but Anfield, Amsterdam, Valencia & west London had nothing on this game. Uruguay perhaps were the stronger on paper and the opening fifteen minutes they were all over Paraguay however they were too concerned with scoring the perfect goal to actually score! It was Paraguay on the break who took the lead and continued to lead every time Uruguay levelled. Cuddigan M making a start after many years of abscence played in goal for the whole match for Paraguay and made several top class saves that we are not used to seeing on the hallowed pitch 7 otherwise Uruguay would have run away with it after they stopped trying to walk the ball in. 7 v 7 meant more space and more end to end action. Why does neither team play a midfielder or two! Anyhow am tired and penalties are about to start at Stamford Bridge so good night all.
Wed, 24/04/2019	Paraguay Andy Krick Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Richard Aseme Steve Davies	3	Uruguay Deven Ghelani Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mark Davies Martin Calver Rupert Coltart	3	Tonight’s game was a vocal, occasionally tetchy and heated affair which makes me wonder are we all getting enough sex? Personally I always assumed Cuddigan H had my quota as he’s always so relaxed, content and sprightly on the pitch (but to be clear his quota’s not with my missus least I think it’s not but will confirm next week). Again Calver M pulled out late and a message to him from the powers that be please stop doing this you’ll get someone pregnant! As a result of this withdrawal the game saw 9 Uruguayans line up against 8 Paraguayans. Technically better Paraguay had to work harder to create their chances as Uruguay were able to put bodies in the way. As a result Uruguay were always ahead leaving Paraguay chasing the game. 1-0, 1-1, 2-1, 2-2, 3-2, 3-3 shows I can count to 3. Nothing too fancy for Uruguay’s goals but two real peaches from Aseme R for Paraguay beautiful placed with real power behind them they were lovely to watch. As a result in the pub after there was a quick whip around to buy him some shorts and trainers to replace his non-elastic tracksuit and 1970s Dunlop plimsoles. The only problem is the shorts apparently dissolve on contact with water. And I leave you with my musings on the way home which revolved around Inglis P and whether the most annoying thing he did was accuse me of handling the ball outside the area or kept calling me “Matey”. Patrick I have known you for 22years I am not a flipping kids bath shower gel! Good night
Wed, 10/04/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme	6	Uruguay Hugo Fuller Jonny Matthews Mark Davies Martin Calver Rupert Coltart Steve Brooke Tristan Gervais	3	Walking from the car park to the pitch I heard a group of guys talking about their game. I caught the line “all he does is ponse around up front not passing or scoring and doesn’t get back”. I didn’t know Cuddigan H played a game before ours! Tonight though that phrase could have been applicable to anyone on the Uruguayan team. Huge credit though to Aseme R & Inglis P for drafting in some players to allow the game to happen and be 7 v 7. However that credit is then immediately withdrawn as they were much better than me and that’s not allowed! I can never fathom what is more important than Worthless football. It’s a hallowed affair and to cancel the evening before or day of is poor form when who could forget Davies P turning up and leaving his son needing A&E attention in the car till the match was over (see reports passim & seek verification of said fact) Anyhow tonight’s game saw Gervais T do his best Gervais R impression by turning up late and with no kit! He then managed to cobble together (from rummaging in a bin I suspect) a fetching figure hugging 1960s attire. This aerodynamic attire did not improve his velocity sadly. Both teams played some nifty football but Paraguay had the slightly better & fitter players and this showed as Uruguay we’re only one down at half time having had perhaps the better chances (see reports passim!) but we’re not clinical enough and slipped to a 3 goal defeat. Analysis of Uruguay’s positions when they shot will show that, like Theresa May’s Brexit policy, if at first you don’t succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try (I could go on but you get my drift) again! (With thanks to Private Eye). Am away next week so someone else will have to take up this cherished mantle (or simply be bothered!). Davies M wanted everyone to know he’s not around either as he’s in the Maldives! And it’s good night from me and good night from Davies M
Wed, 03/04/2019	Paraguay Andy Krick Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Martin Calver Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Haigh Paddy Inglis Simon Gillespie	1	Uruguay Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mark Davies Rupert Coltart Zac Arbib	2	For centuries managers have often moaned about the ref being the +1 player on the opposition team. In theory that would have meant 7 v 8 last night but thankfully Baker G was playing for Uruguay anyway so it was still 7 v 7. If he had his ref’s kit with him I am pretty sure he would have sent some of Paraguay off and maybe the odd Uruguayan for incompetence (or incontinence). Either way I think it is worth noting that I have never seen anyone deliberately trying to hurt or foul anyone in a Worthless game (apart from tackles/fouls on me where it is clearly deliberate as I am sooo good!) and everyone should and does play the game in a competitive and fun atmosphere. Only I can have a strop or moan! Anyhow to tonight’s game which saw the majority of protagonists from last week’s 17 goal bonanza rock up and play a cagey, cautious & technically high tempo game. Uruguay had possession and couldn’t score and Paraguay enjoyed being on the pitch in a very defensive format. A goal in each half for Uruguay meant they were cruising to victory and a niller for Paraguay looked almost a certainty until 8.02pm when Krick A hit a sweet strike into the top left corner (or perhaps mis-hit a pass) and saved Paraguay’s blushes. A la semaine prochaine!
Wed, 27/03/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Martin Calver Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies	10	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Deven Ghelani Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Rupert Coltart Steve Davies Tristan Gervais	7	Uruguay were like diarrhoea tonight. A glorious noisy explosion at the beginning that turned into watery drivel at the end. Racing into a 6-0 lead within 15mins Blues could do no wrong but boy did they did they do wrong in the remaining 45mins (probably actually 35mins as we start 10mins late discussing each other’s new haircuts and boots) Like a slow releasing enema they pooped the bed at the end! Was it fitness, was it complacency, was it allowing Warner to score the exact same over the top on the break goal 6 times, was it a lack of leadership or did Paraguay simply rope-a-dope Uruguay, we will never know. The Davieses theory has been proven to be twaddle as Uruguay had two to Paraguay’s one and couldn’t hold onto a win. For the neutral this would have been a terrible game to watch however there were 17 goals scored. Half-time was 6-4 to Uruguay then Full-time 10-7 to Uruguay. Uruguay left the pitch bewildered and humbled! Will they regroup for next week or hang out wide on the pitch allowing Paraguay to wander down the middle........we shall see!
Wed, 20/03/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme Shaun Lascelles Simon Gillespie Steve Davies Tristan Gervais	2	Uruguay Ben Donald Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mayamiko Kachingwe Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	2	The theory of Davieses was temporarily halted tonight as Paraguay had 2 and Uruguay none and yet the result was a draw which flattered Paraguay who should have lost but Uruguay were unable to hold onto the lead. The theory of 8 v 8 proved true again as the game was enjoyable and people didnt have too much time to faff around with the ball. As I am writing this a week late I dont remember the goals but I am sure they were of the highest quality!
Wed, 13/03/2019	Paraguay Hugo Cuddigan Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Brooke Steve Davies	3	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller James Arbib Mark Davies Richard Aseme Rupert Coltart	2	Many exciting (debatable) issues arose from last night's game. Firstly 8 v 8 is the way to go as it was a really enjoyable game of football. Everyone was involved and in my head I did my own Opta stats and across the pitch people all touched the ball and were up and down the pitch. Secondly a record needs to be kept as the winning team seems to be the team with the most Davieseses on their side! Tonight Paraguay had 2 Uruguay 1 & Paraguay won! Presumably it would be a draw if each side had two! Thirdly if the teams are evenly matched ipso facto (not showing off but I know Latin ergo I dont know how to use it) so is the game. This is very tricky to do and perhaps my Worthless Top Trumps (see reports passim) should be deployed in aiding team picking! Anyhow short round up of the game as I am off to bed. The round up is Paraguay won by a goal. My Opta stats show Paraguay had 3 or 4 shots on goal and Uruguay's strikers Manoukian V and Hodgson A had 34 shots on goal (or near goal). They tried headers, volleys, toe-pokes & back flicks but some inspired keeping (one cat like reactionary save by Davies S in particular) and wayward placing of their shots meant Uruguay could not win as comfortably as they should. Quad Erat Demonstrandum et nox noctis.
Wed, 06/03/2019	Paraguay Ben Donald Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie	4	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Barney Reynolds Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	8	Fuller H injured himself in the mid-morning training session so a like for like* swap ensued with Davies S and as I have said before when you get a triumvirate of Davies you do not lose. Davies P was the lone Davies for Paraguay and while he may have thought he could be the Lone Ranger and engineer a victory against overwhelming odds with Warner H as Silver and Cuddigan H as Tonto he probably ended up feeling like the guy on the poster for Platoon! Uruguay while perhaps over confident and never in danger of losing did squander chances and forgot to defend allowing Warner N to score several well struck breakaway goals. Reynolds B dialled back the years to remind us of his youthful tricks, tricks like not passing to his nearest teammate, tripping over his own stepovers & shooting wherever he was and strangely all shots drifting left of the goal! Uruguay did score some well worked goals however goal of the season has been decided and went to Paraguay’s sub Kachingwe M. Maya picked the ball up in his own half and then drifted past Coltart R who was then fortunate to be behind him as a result and watch as Maya then struck the ball from 35 yards out and it arrowed with a tiny wobble from the left side of the pitch into the top right corner making it simple for the keeper Hodgson A as all he had to do was pick the ball out of the net! Sadly it was too great too late! * my asterisk above allows me to clear up any confusion with my like for like statement. Both are of course men over 40 therefore like for like.
Wed, 06/02/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Martin Calver Mayamiko Kachingwe Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	9	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Ben Donald Hugo Fuller John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	3	Tonight was one of those David v Goliath games and in a slight twist to the usual outcome Goliath won comfortably! This was a landslide for Paraguay akin to the 1989 Paraguayan election for Provincial President General Andres Rodriguez as Paraguay were structured, quick and lethal on the counter attack. To be fair Uruguay did leave the middle of the park wide open like the 2016 Antarctic Chasm. For some odd reason Uruguay seemed to collectively feel the best places to mark were out wide! Anyhow both teams had some well worked goals. Uruguay definitely had to be more industrious in carving out their options and least they scored. Coltar R had a mini huff at losing and being fouled a few times but other than that fun was had by all. Did not attend the pub to get the elder’s input on the game. Apparently last week Uruguay spanked Paraguay so its a bit of a topsey turvey season. As Greavsey said “it’s a funny old game”.
Wed, 23/01/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Richard Aseme Shaun Lascelles William Stevenson	5	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Hugo Fuller James Arbib Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione Steve Davies	10	What do you get when you have a triumvirate of Davieseses (that’s enough ‘es-Ed) on your team? You get a win.....and a handsome one too. On a chilly night where oddly one end of the pitch was frosted Uruguay blitzed Paraguay. On paper the teams looked relatively even and indeed the opening ten minutes were even. Like a poked bear Cuddigan H bite back from last week’s comments and along with Hodgson A the two of them scored the first four (very good) goals to make it 2-2. Hodgson A was clearly looking for a second consecutive MoM as again he was leading the attack and at 2-2 Uruguay cut loose and were 6-2 up at half time. Rumours that Uruguay’s half time chat consisted of a vote that voted to allow Paraguay to score a few soft goals at the start of the second half were unfounded as the result of the first vote was too close to call and the rest of half time was spent discussing if we should have another vote but we couldn’t decide what the vote should be and then it was the start of the second half! Confused by their own half time chat Uruguay allowed Paraguay to score three soft goals thereby making their half time a farce! Once they identified where that scenario was strangely similar they took the game but the scruff of the neck and along with Inglis P who started passing to Uruguay they scored four more! For Paraguay Cuddigan H was MoM with a hat Trick (or more) of goals. For Uruguay all 8 players were MoMs and called Davieseseseseses! Good night
Wed, 16/01/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Hugo Cuddigan Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme Simon Gillespie Steve Davies	2	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Hugo Fuller Mark Davies Martin Calver Mayamiko Kachingwe Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	4	This week’s naughty step recipient is Aseme R who turned up late dressed as a winter lifeguard on the Cornish coast. To be fair we started late so his tardiness had no impact on the opening part of the game which was a frantic end to end affair with missed shots aplenty. Gillespie S, Fuller H & Capione S all shot on sight of goal irrespective of which goal! The usual Davies clan warfare took place in the middle of the park between the Paraguayan branch Daviess’ S & P and the Uruguayan branch Daviess’ M & M (not to be confused with confectionary of US rappers). While the game was tight Uruguay always looked like they were going to sneak it with Calver M popping up and scoring and passing as and when required. 2-1 to Uruguay saw the lead go to 3-1 and Paraguay threatened a comeback at 3-2 but a goal to make it 4-2 took the wind out of their sail. Often over looked in these reports but someone who had a great game (according to himself) was Hodgson A and to be fair those of us who made the pub agreed with him. He carried the attack to Paraguay and beat the off side trap of Inglis P effortlessly time and time again. Conversely Warner N had a torrid time dealing with the relaxed style of Kachingwe M who long languid running style made him look like he was gliding over the 4G turf. Coltart R informed the pub he was drawing up a set of Worthless Top Trumps. The categories were speed, skill, offence, defence & awareness. Cuddigan H informed Coltart R that he often dumbs down his game to blend in with the rest of us otherwise he’d comfortably be the top card. It makes perfect sense as no one could miss that many goal opportunities naturally! Morgan C made the comment as he was leaving the pub that these reports were a bit dry and needed something to spice them up like trying to put everyones name into one report. What loser would do that?!?
Wed, 09/01/2019	Paraguay Charlie Morgan Deven Ghelani Hugo Cuddigan Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme Steve Davies	4	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller Jonny Matthews Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Saverio Campione	4	The Christmas break usually is a time for healthy portions of turkey and trimmings however clearly fitness was on the minds of the 16 trim individuals who took to the pitch to contest an enjoyable and frantic game. Uruguay were 4-2 ahead with 10mins to go however could not hold off the Paraguayan onslaught and in the 71st mins (remember of a 60mins game) Paraguay scored the goal that gave them a draw. Roll on next week.
Wed, 12/12/2018	Paraguay Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Jonny Matthews Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Haigh Nick Warner Pete Davies Simon Gillespie	5	Uruguay Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller James Arbib John Romeo Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart	4	They say sporting greatness is often defined as being on the losing team yet being the man of the match and tonight at the pub everyone (4 of us the other two were getting drinks) agreed that applied to one player. Stand up Michael “Mike” Davies. He single handedly carried Uruguay tonight with his box to box running style, cajoling of teammates and opponents and his superman like vision and oversight of the game. His performance mirrored an officer in the trenches turning to his men and saying “Follow me, we’ll be fine” and leading them to victory against superior numbers. Sadly his team were more Dad’s Army than Navy SEALs and shot themselves in the foot and handed each other pin-out grenades as Mike took the game by the scruff of the neck and each time Paraguay went ahead he found a way to pull Uruguay back into it the game. Step over, tackles and strikes he was a one man wrecking ball,a Paraguayan nightmare. As a Uruguayan player I was grateful he was on our team and not one of his duff brothers who barely registered on the pitch tonight, I would have sworn neither were there! (Umm one wasn’t-Ed) Davies Mark even asked if he could be adopted by Mike as he’s half way there with the surname! On behalf of myself and the rest of the Uruguayan team we’re sorry Mike we did not acquit ourselves adequately. You were 100% there and the rest of us 10% and we only lost by one. If we had just upped our game a little we would have obliterated Paraguay. We’ll aim to do that next week before the Christmas dinner and my usual three course meal. Cuddigan H is getting in the Hippy Crack before next week’s game so be in the car park by the urine patch ten minutes before kick off.
Wed, 28/11/2018	Paraguay Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Nick Haigh Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Sameer Godbole	4	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Gordon Baker Hugo Fuller James Arbib Michael Davies Steve Davies Tristan Gervais	3	a fast-paced game, punctuated only by Tristan's 25 minute late arrival (at which point his team was trailing 2-1) and a rather excessive extra-time imposed by Baker who, frankly, just doesn't like losing.
Wed, 21/11/2018	Paraguay Hugo Cuddigan Martin Calver Nick Haigh Nick Warner Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Richard Aseme Steve Davies	4	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Barney Reynolds Gordon Baker Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Tristan Gervais William Stevenson	1	A fast flowing game saw 15 skillful footballers and Inglis P battle it out on a chilly night. Blues are a work in progress and tonight saw them cut their losing deficit to only three (Warner & Reynolds think four but numbers is not their strong point) from last week’s nine. On this basis next week’s result should be 1-1. Get down to the betting shop or bet365! Paraguay again got three goals midway through the first half piling the pressure on Uruguay who found they had little time on the ball which resulted in mistakes which Paraguay gleefully accepted. Half time team talk saw two trains of thought from the Uruguay team. Coltart R suggested playing the way your facing and go for the shorter pass option while Reynolds B suggested always giving him the ball wherever he was on the pitch! A delicate middle ground was adopted as at the start of the second half Coltart R bombed down the left and swept a majestic twenty yard pass along the ground into an on rushing Reynolds who stroked it home first touch. 3-1 and a glimmer of hope for Uruguay which was quickly sniffed out by another blue gaffe and Paraguay went 4-1 up. 1-1 second half is another positive for Blues. So in summary while Uruguay lost they won the most improved team award so a victory too! On a side note it transpires some of you do read these tedious dull reports! Do you have nothing better to do? I know Warner doesn’t but the rest of you?!? I now have to be a bit more careful in my third person analysis and who I am rude about! Have a good week all goodnight.
Wed, 14/11/2018	Paraguay Andy Krick Hugo Cuddigan Mayamiko Kachingwe Paddy Inglis Pete Davies Simon Gillespie Steve Davies William Stevenson	10	Uruguay Alexander Hodgson Charlie Morgan Hugo Fuller James Arbib Mark Davies Michael Davies Rupert Coltart Tristan Gervais	1	Not since Max Mosley’s last fancy dress party has anyone taken such a spanking as the blues did last night! It was one way traffic all night as the hapless Uruguayans didn’t know what to do bar a brief three mins spell to sneak a goal and spare the blushes of a niller thou I am surprise we managed to score. The red and whites had strength all over the park with Maya in defence the Davies brothers marshalling the midfield and Calver M & Stevenson W upfront along with Krick, Gillespie & Inglis floating but not in a turd in the toilet sense which was more akin to blues defence! Blues were mainly caught on the break and their 0-0-7 formation never really worked! Credit to Paraguay for turning around their miserable run against Uruguay so emphatically. Will it last-let’s see next week as this Uruguayan is fired up for revenge!